End of an Era

Some of my regular readers might not be aware, but I have changed my direction in life and left the field of chaplaincy, and vocation ministry. This was not an easy decision to make, but it has been liberating. This is the beginning of the rest of my life. Where the road will take me is unknown at this point.

While I am no longer in vocation ministry, I know that spirituality, life and God don't go on vacation, or hiatus, just because we do. I'm not sure if I will be doing a lot more with this blog on an intentional basis any more.

I'm looking forward to the next phase of life's journey. Where I'm going to exactly, is as yet unknown and I'm looking forward to the challenge.

It's been quite a ride eh?

But in a way, isn't our life like this? If you think about it, our lives are being narrated, perhaps in our head, or by others as they observe our actions. So what does your "story" tell others? is it a romance, tragedy, action, comedy or adventure story? I suppose in the end, we want to think that the story told by our lives teaches others by our examples, of a life well-lived.
Thoughts?

Quote of the day

The other day I realized that I had way too many bananas in the freezer and remembered a nurse had once asked me to make banana bread for her, which I did. So having bananas, I thought of her again and made another loaf. It is a newer recipe for me; one that was given as a wedding shower gift. The nurse was thrilled and asked if she was required to share it (with the other nurses). I told her that she could share it or hoard it, it was hers to do with.
The next day she came and told me that it was good and that her son loved it. She is Filipino and said, that her son asked if I was white.
The conversation she told me went like this.
"Mommy, who made this?"
"Oh.. ________ from work."
"Is she white?"
"Yes. She's white."
"That's what I thought. White people bake really good."

I thought it was funny. I have never heard of that concept before. But then we all have our gifts don't we?

In Times like these....

These past 2 weeks have been busy. "Busy crazy" as I call it. I returned from a week away and scrambled to catch up. Surprisingly, despite the busy-ness of it all, I have been very focused. More so than in the longest time. My first week back, I was on call. That means from 6 or 8 p.m. I carry a pager and respond when it goes off. The first day I had it, it went off at 2:30 a.m. I called in to find out that the staff were in the middle of a code (complete with CPR) and that the family member was on their way up to the ward. I made it there is 30 minutes instead of the usual hour. I guess it is partly due to the lack of traffic on the usually crowded highways...

Then when I was there supporting the family member, I was paged by another unit saying that a patient had died and that the family would like an Anglican minister to come and pray. At 4 in the morning, it was unlikely that I would find anyone as I think we mostly have office numbers as contact. So I went and prayed with them even though I am not Anglican, then I went back upstairs to continue with family #1. I got home when I would normally be getting up and "slept in" going back to work for 10 a.m.

This week has been busy as well. Referals about patients who are depressed and want to die. They "want to go to sleep and not wake up" or they are just "tired of being sick". I have been watching some of my long-term patients (people I have known for many months, and in some cases, many years) decline. Loosing their physical function, or cognitive status -- not knowing where they are, when did they last talk to their family member (yesterday or 2 hours ago), or going into cardiac arrest.

Yesterday, I attended a code blue before I left that day. The patient's family was there and I knew them all pretty well. I actually cried when I left them. It is hard to see patients crash. It is hard to leave them while the story is still playing out...

This morning I was thinking about the patient who crashed before I left. They "aren't really religious". The family has church afilliations but they have not been active for a number of years due to working schedules and health status. And for some reason, the verse of a hymn that I learned as a child came to my head. This is what I have to offer them...



In times like these, we need a Savior.
In times like these, we need an anchor.
Be very sure, Be very sure,
Your anchor holds and grips the solid Rock.



My head messes up and says "be very sure your anchor hold through the storms of life" which alludes to another hymn, "Will your anchor hold in the storms of life?"






That is what a lot of people need in their lives, is to know that when life's storms come, that they are strong enough to weather it, and won't crash into the sea of turmoil. But also to know that should they crash into the sea, that there is someone to help pull them out. A friend, a brother, a mom, a nurse, a doctor, ... a caring soul... who won't let them go down alone.

Lessons from the "Other side of the Bed"

Over the past few weeks, I have learned what it is like to be IN the hospital bed, versus being caregiver to people in the hospital bed. I wasn't admitted, but I did spend a lot of time in ER, as an outpatient. The waiting is hard.

My husband is not good with the hospital experience -- people in the beds next to you , moaning and groaning, calling out for attention... being forced to wait for ... whatever. He coined it "hurry up and wait". The doctors did not like some of the test results I have had, and then call me up after I have just been there for 8 hours at work and then ask if it's too much of an inconvenience to come in so that they could see me. So I fed my husband supper and we went to the hospital yet again. Then we waited ... for an hour. Then a grumpy nurse took my vitals. Then another hour. A doctor finally showed up. Told me stuff that I didn't like. Told me to wait some more. Then sent me home at 1 in the morning telling me to go for more tests.

Then I was woken up first thing in the morning by a doctor on the phone telling me to come today. "Aren't you working anyhow? " (After getting home at 1 in the morning, I was sleeping. So no, I was not going to work. How was I expected to function and provide comfort and pastoral care to others when I needed some pastoral care myself?) So I went back in, they told me what the treatment plan is. And I agreed to do it. Even if it is just to get ALL of this over with.

Waiting for "whatever it is"... is hard. Being told things about your health that you don't want to hear is hard. Worrying about the worst case scenario is hard. What is worse? Knowing.. or not knowing. This is one of the lessons that I have learned about being a patient, versus caring for patients.

While waiting in various waiting areas of the hospital, it is interesting to see the types of cases that came in. People brought out in by ambulance drivers, head injuries, bleeding, people wanting pain control, homeless people, elderly, teenagers... all types of people with different cases trying to get help for whatever it is that ails them. Some get help in a timely manner, while others seem to sit and wait a long time. Based on what I saw, my issue was minor and while I hate being a patient and feared being admitted to my own hospital, I sure didn't want to be in the shoes of those I saw in the waiting room either.

Waiting... why is it so hard to do?

But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew [their] strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; [and] they shall walk, and not faint.

This is what I remember when I think of "waiting". I remember a sermon that I preached about this passage, with the main theme being that there is a difference between waiting for something, and waiting on the LORD. It is hard to wait for something, especially when you don't know what you are waiting for, or when you have no definitive date.

This week, I have learned the lesson of waiting, but unlike my patients I have been waiting at home. Not in a hospital. I still have some freedom to eat what I like, to sleep in my own bed, to go to the store should I need/want to, spend time with my husband.

I don't know that I'm going to like what I'm told when the waiting is done, but I will be glad that the wait is over and I can continue with my life.


Waiting is hard. Especially when you don't know what you are waiting for. Something, ANY thing, movement would be good. That is something my patients tell me. You don't like where you are and hope that when the time comes that what you have been waiting for will improve your life, instead of alter it drastically. I just hope that I have learned something good from all this waiting, that will benefit my time with my patients later.

Magnetic Poetry

A few months ago, I bought a magnetic poetry kit for something silly in the office. I put a few of the words on the fridge in our staff room and added to it as time went on. Today I finished putting all of the words on there. This is what it looks like at present. Every so often I mess it up and people start all over. The person who wrote the "sometimes I wonder if there is a puppy in all this fluff" complained that the workds were limiting as his comment was "do you think that I wanted to ask if there was a puppy in fluff?"

If I had my life to live over

Found this in my collection of various "inspirational" items.....

IF I HAD MY LIFE TO LIVE OVER
- by Erma Bombeck
(Written after she found out she was dying from cancer).

I would have gone to bed when I was sick instead of pretending the earth would go into a holding pattern if I weren't there for the day.

I would have burned the pink candle sculpted like a rose before it melted in storage.

I would have talked less and listened more.

I would have invited friends over to dinner even if the carpet was stained, or the sofa faded.


I would have eaten the popcorn in the 'good' living room and worried much less about the dirt when someone wanted to light a fire in the fireplace.


I would have taken the time to listen to my grandfather ramble about his youth.


I would have shared more of the responsibility carried by my husband.


I would never have insisted the car windows be rolled up on a summer day because my hair had just been teased and sprayed.


I would have sat on the lawn with my grass stains.


I would have cried and laughed less while watching television and more while watching life.


I would never have bought anything just because it was practical, wouldn't show soil, or was guaranteed to last a lifetime.


Instead of wishing away nine months of pregnancy, I'd have cherished every moment and realized that the wonderment growing inside me was the only chance in life to assist God in a miracle.


When my kids kissed me impetuously, I would never have said, 'Later. Now go get washed up for dinner.' There would have been more 'I love you's'; more 'I'm sorry's.'


But mostly, given another shot at life, I would seize every minute... look at it and really see it ... live it and never give it back. STOP SWEATING THE SMALL STUFF!!!


Don't worry about who doesn't like you, who has more, or who's doing what!


Instead, let's cherish the relationships we have with those who do love us.

Life's Lesson # 3064

Did you ever notice that some times a certain theme recurs in a short time span? Things you see on TV, or read, news or conversation will revovle around a certain topic or theme. Sometimes that is just what we are focused on but I wonder if it isn't God's way of telling us something.

Yesterday a "lesson" or "truth" was reiterated for me at work. A frustrating one at that. People come to you and say they want help, but not the help you have to offer. They want it a certain way and when they don't get it that way.. they get upset. (Which some times upsets me because I want to help them, but they don't like what I have to offer and I have to remember not to take it personally, but when you are in the helping profession, it is hard to detach your "Self" from this profession.)

Sometimes, when people are frustrated from things not going their way, they get angry and take it out on the people nearest them. Unfortunately, that messes up relationships especially if something happens at work, or school and then you take it home to the family or some other "innocent" person.

And you know all of these things in your head, but it hard not to be emotionally invovled with a situation at the time. One of those hazards of the helping profession from time to time I guess.