Quote of the day

Yesterday I was consoled by a friend with the quote "we plan and God laughs." I've really learned how annoyingly true this quote can be. (But I know that God in his/her wisdom, knows better than I, so let's see what curve balls life will throw.)

Cleaning my computer files again...

Our Father Who Art In Heaven.
Yes?
Don't interrupt me. I'm praying.
But -- you called ME!
Called you?
No, I didn't call you.
I'm praying.
Our Father who art in Heaven.
There -- you did it again!
Did what?
Called ME.
You said,
"Our Father who art in Heaven"
Well, here I am....
What's on your mind?
But I didn't mean anything by it.
I was, you know, just saying my prayers for the day.
I always say the Lord's Prayer.
It makes me feel good,
kind of like fulfilling a duty.
Well, all right.
Go on.
Okay, Hallowed be thy name .
Hold it right there.
What do you mean by that?
By what?
By "Hallowed be thy name"?
It means, it means . . good grief,
I don't know what it means.
How in the world should I know?
It's just a part of the prayer.
By the way, what does it mean?
It means honored, holy, wonderful.
Hey, that makes sense..
I never thought about what 'hallowed' meant before.
Thanks.
Thy Kingdom come,
Thy will be done,
on earth as it is in Heaven.
Do you really mean that?
Sure, why not?
What are you doing about it?
Doing? Why, nothing, I guess.

I just think it would be kind of neat if you got

control, of everything down here like you have up

there. We're kinda in a mess down here you know.
Yes, I know;
but, have I got control of you?
Well, I go to church.
That isn't what I asked you.
What about your bad temper?
You've really got a problem there, you know.
And then there's the way you spend

your money -- all on yourself.
And what about the kind of books you read ?
Now hold on just a minute!
Stop picking on me!
I'm just as good as some of the rest

of those People at church!

Excuse ME..
I thought you were praying
for my will to be done.
If that is to happen,
it will have to start with the ones
who are praying for it.
Like you -- for example ..
Oh, all right. I guess I do have some hang-ups.
Now that you mention it,
I could probably name some others.
So could I.
I haven't thought about it very much until now,
but I really would like to cut out some of those things.
I would like to, you know, be really free.
Good.
Now we're getting somewhere.

We'll work together -- You and ME.
I'm proud of You.
Look, Lord, if you don't mind,
I need to finish up here.
This is taking a lot longer than it usually does.
Give us this day, our daily bread.
You need to cut out the bread..
You're overweight as it is.
Hey, wait a minute! What is this?
Here I was doing my religious duty,
and all of a sudden you break in
and remind me of all my hang-ups.
Praying is a dangerous thing.
You just might get what you ask for.
Remember, you called ME -- and here I am.
It's too late to stop now.
Keep praying. ( pause . . )
Well, go on.
I'm scared to.
Scared? Of what?
I know what you'll say.
Try ME.
Forgive us our sins,

as we forgive those who sin against us.
What about Ann?
See? I knew it!
I knew you would bring her up!
Why, Lord, she's told lies about me, spread stories.
She never paid back the money she owes me.
I've sworn to get even with her!
But -- your prayer --
What about your prayer?
I didn't -- mean it..
Well, at least you're honest.
But, it's quite a load carrying around all that

bitterness and resentment isn't it?
Yes, but I'll feel better as soon as I get even with her.
Boy, have I got some plans for her.
She'll wish she had never been born.
No, you won't feel any better.
You'll feel worse.
Revenge isn't sweet.
You know how unhappy you are --
Well, I can change that.
You can? How?
Forgive Ann.
Then, I'll forgive you;
And the hate and the sin,
will be Ann's problem -- not yours.
You will have settled the problem
as far as you are concerned.
Oh, you know, you're right.
You always are.
And more than I want revenge,
I want to be right with You . . (sigh).
All right, all right . .
I forgive her.
There now!
Wonderful!
How do you feel?
Hmmmm. Well, not bad.
Not bad at all!
In fact, I feel pretty great!
You know, I don't think I'll go to bed uptight tonight.
I haven't been getting much rest, you know.
Yeah, I know.
But, you're not through with your prayer, are you?

Go on....
Oh, all right.
And lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us from evil.
Good! Good! I'll do that.
Just don't put yourself in a place
where you can be tempted.
What do you mean by that?
You know what I mean.
Yeah. I know.
Okay.
Go ahead... Finish your prayer.
For Thine is the kingdom,
and the power,
and the glory forever.
Amen.
Do you know what would bring me glory --
What would really make me happy?
No, but I'd like to know.
I want to please you now..
I've really made a mess of things..
I want to truly follow you...
I can see now how great that would be.
So, tell me . . .
How do I make you happy?
YOU just did.

I did.......

I think I need to subscribe to a new paper, or perhaps it was a fluke. On the day that I left for my vacation, I picked up a copy of the National Post and it was full of articles related to faith and spirituality. The headlining story was about Mother Teresa. Apparently her letters were not destroyed (contrary to her last requests) and are now available in a recently published book, Mother Teresa: Come be My Light. The letters reflect her spiritual walk and show that she doubted her faith on a regular basis and often felt grief and guilt that she did not "feel" the presence of God as she thought she should. Some people are shocked by this "revelation" -- that the woman revered for her work and devotion to the poor should question her faith and place with God. She was seen as a saint even before her death, hence this revelation casts her in a different light and some people have reacted with outrage that these letters were not destroyed as she asked her followers to do. My thinking on this is not one of shock or disappointment, but rather one of curiosity. The image that she had.. the saintly portrait painted to the world, was not by her choice. She sought to follow her God and to to serve His people. The fact that she spent the majority of her life's work with the poorest of India and yet felt some disconnect from her God is not a loss. The letters show that she tried despite her personal struggle. This is what I understand a relationship with God to be. Searching to be closer to God regardless of one's interior relationship with self, this is what spiritual journey is. Seeking God regardless of the ills one is facing (real or perceived) is what spiritual growth is. Often we feel comfortable with our faith and perhaps get lazy, stopping where we are. Other things in life occur, negative events, illness and other hardships and some people are led to turn from God and walk away from their religion and sometimes their faith. Mother Teresa's letters are an example of persistance even when one does not know the outcome, when one may not feel the inner growth on a conscious level or ever....
This is the journey of faith and hope. And those who minister either in office or otherwise (as I believe we are all called to service in some form-- big or small) may never really see results from their service, but continue in the hope that in that some small way we have contributed to the service of God and His people. Results may never be seen by us, but they will be seen by God.

Is it okay to be angry with God?

Is it wrong to be mad at God? Have you ever been mad at God? From time to time, I meet people who have had bad experiences with their religious traditions, varying degrees of understanding about God, faith and all of it. Recently, I went to meet a woman on one of my units. After introducing myself and stating my role on the team, she began the interrogation about "who are you with", meaning what tradition did I represent. Was I a student or intern?
[This line of questioning is not new for me. People often want to know what I want, who I'm with,.. define me so they can put in "the box" and determine what/whether they want to talk to me. I get a lot of responses to my introduction. "I'm not religious" to which I usually reply "I'm not either". I usually get a funny look at this point, and then I proceed to explain my understanding of religion vs. spirituality.]
So I tell her I am not a student, that I work here. I'm part of the team.
She says " Well I ask because I am the Reverend (not real name) Jane MacDonald of the ________ Church of Canada."
This surprised me, and I said...ooooh. (I know what you want now.) I'm Reverend Kathryn _______ with the BUWC. " And here we launched in an interesting discussion about ministry and some of the similar issues that we faced as women in ministry. She was in hospital with a significant illness and after talking with me for a while, told me that she was angry with God for the way her life seemed to be going. I was a little surprised when she told me this, as she seemed to be upbeat when talking about her ministry life.

Often when I meet patients who are "angry with God", I do not always know how far our relationship will progress. A lot of people that I meet in my work have major illness, not just one issue, but it is cumulative, meaning there are numerous issues occuring simultaneously or I meet them after they have faced a sucession of progressive health issues. Some are elderly and after their recent admission, it may be determined that they are not deemed safe to return their home where they were once independant and thriving.

So is it okay to be mad at God? Of course it is not a feeling we like, to be angry. But my response is that it is sometimes necessary and healthy to express our discontent, or angry, to God. He can take it. If you read the Psalms, you will see various examples of David's discontent expressed to God. Job was perplexed at his situation, and Jonah was ticked at God for sending him to Nenevah. This story tells us that even after Jonah was expelled from the whale's belly and on dry land, he still sulked outside of the city.
So yes, it is "okay" to be mad at God, but it is my hope and prayer that when that happens that it doesn't last too long.

So, this minister lady tells me a few visits later that my presence has "tinkled her ivories" (use of piano analogy was hers). She said just the fact that I showed up got her thinking about her relationship with God and she has begun the journey of reconciliation with God. Why she was mad isn't really the issue at the moment, but seeing if she can forgive the situation to renew her life with God. I find that when people are mad at God, it is usually related to an illness or death. Something they did not expect to happen. I suppose this is based on an idea that God causes suffering at a sort. Sometimes the anger is directed at God, but it is related to the actions or inactions of people. In particular, within the Christian experience, we are taught to love and care for all persons due to their association with or fact of being a part of God's creation. When humans fail, or when the church fails to minister to the needs of the individual, some times it is so bad that the injured party decides to leave the church and cuts themself off from anything related. I think that sometimes being angry at God is displaced, (not misplaced), as God is often associated with religion. A person may have a problem with structure or suffered a bad experience, and as such they associate that with God. So the anger is displaced.

So to repeat, it is not wrong to be angry with God. But keep talking to Him. When we have a fight with someone, say our spouse or friend, hanging on to anger, even if justified, hurts you more than it hurts the other person. The same thing applies to God. You and God are in a relationship. Not talking to him, holding on to the anger will hurt you more than it hurts Him. I find that anger looses its grip or doesn't seem so intense after a time, but unfortunately a relationship (with humans) is often too far damaged to repair as people move on. The other thing to note about anger is that even when it feels weak, it can actually change shape and hold us at a deeper level, known as bitterness. This was described to me in a psychology class as floating on the water. The longer we hang on to anger, it starts to sink, and then it is ingrained/embedded deeper becoming bitterness. Bitterness is harder to work through than anger.

Okay that's my thoughts for this week.

Experience of God

This morning, I had to go back to work after the "holiday" and it has been steady. I am often called into interesting situations and some of them challenge my comfort zone, others are my "forte". Today I was paged to see a man who had requested our services. I had no idea why, the nurses did not specify.. so I went to his room and introduced myself. He wanted to go to the chapel but was not allowed to go alone due to his recent heart surgery. He needed someone with him in case something happened.

So we saunter down to the chapel and sit down. There is another person in the chapel praying, so I told him to sit anywhere. I went to the other side of the room for quiet meditation and prayer. After a while, we started to leave but instead sat down at the back of the chapel where he continued his story begun on our walk down to the chapel. He told me that he had started the 12 step program for NA and his journey to this point. I am always awed at the journey of some people. I felt very privileged to hear his story and told him so. He talked about being in contact with his Higher Power and how he came to this realization. And his experience of God, as I call Him. "It's better than any high that drugs can give you. I wish I had discovered this 40 years ago then I wouldn't have had to waste my life as I did."

He described vibrations and sensations attributed to the Higher Power. I told him that he is lucky to experience the presence of God in this way as many people take their relationship with God for granted. (I realize that it could be withdrawal, but the way he described it, I don't think that it was withdrawal. ) He explained that he has had such a warmth and peace spread through out him that he doesn't worry too much about the surgeries and "unknown" future.

I think is a great gift. Not everyone is able to "experience" God working in their lives. Some people experience it but do not know what it is, do not pay attention, and others long for it, seeking others methods to reach God. The irony is that as Mankind searches for God, God reaches out to us in ways that we can't often fathom.

Usually when someone says "the experience of God", the listener assumes conversion experience. This is the first realization of the power of God. Paul/Saul on the road to Damascus experienced God in a dramatic way. But this is not the way everyone meets God. Some people are brought to their knees, while others enter into God's presence through a logical route/thought process. Each experience of God is just as real as the next, because every individual is unique/different, hence the experience and relationship with God will be just as unique. It is when we tell people that their experience of God is false, that we turn people off. One woman I met told me that she had a near death experience, and gained much inner power from it, but was told by a doctor that her experience was a part of a delirium and hence negated.

When we preach AT them, versus talking WITH them. I have heard of so many people (whom I meet in my work, either staff, patients, families) who have a faith or belief in God, but have been so turned off of organized religion/worship. I have been told time and time again that it was a "well meaning person" (my opinion) who tried to guilt them into something, or chastised them for their problems that they had, that in the end, the person left the community of faith. How this affects their experience of God has always been a wonder to me.. I hope it does not paint God in a negative light.