End of an Era

Some of my regular readers might not be aware, but I have changed my direction in life and left the field of chaplaincy, and vocation ministry. This was not an easy decision to make, but it has been liberating. This is the beginning of the rest of my life. Where the road will take me is unknown at this point.

While I am no longer in vocation ministry, I know that spirituality, life and God don't go on vacation, or hiatus, just because we do. I'm not sure if I will be doing a lot more with this blog on an intentional basis any more.

I'm looking forward to the next phase of life's journey. Where I'm going to exactly, is as yet unknown and I'm looking forward to the challenge.

It's been quite a ride eh?

The Fall from Grace?

The latest in the news is the revelation of Robert Munsch, beloved children's author, that he is a recovering alcoholic and cocaine user. Why did this not shock me? Does it change my love of his writings? No. I remember my first encounter with Mr. Munsch was a television recording of his reading of "Mud Puddle". "A MUD PUDDLE JUMPED ON ME!!" I will never forget his wild hair and over dramatic reading on this story. I fell in love with Mud Puddle, and Mr. Munsch at the age of 5. But never owned one of his stories until the printing of "Love you Forever", which I bought for one of the children in my life. (Then it dawned on me that I could buy one for myself..)

Considering the work that I have been doing for the past 13 years, it is not surprising to me --that Mr. Munsch has revealed his struggle with mental illness, specifically bipolar disorder. I remember my first encounter with bipolar disorder. I met a woman in the throes of mania. Her mind racing, and the outlandish things coming out of her mouth, jumping from one subject to another... trying to get her to "see reason" was not an option at that point. After the regulation of her meds, she seemed to find a calm medium, but it was quite a ride.

For Mr. Munsch to reveal the disorder and drug usage, one would think that this would cause a plummet in the respect that the world has for him, but according to reports, the incoming mail for the author, to his family and publicists are positive. One would think that this is not an "image" or "role model" that we would want for children. But my initial thought was that this revelation of a mental illness and subsequent drug use was a reasonable explanation for the outlandish but charming stories. Not that all bipolar persons have delusions, or hallucinations, but from my experience, there are the outlandish thought processes.

The fact that Mr. Munsch has prospered in the face of his struggles, and has been loved for so long. ... only makes some of us love his achievements even more.

As you may know, pastoral care was founded by Christians and has mostly Christian following/foundation behind the work. Most of my colleagues that I have run into through CAPPE are Christian. It is rare for me to find a Jewish, Buddhist or other tradition.
This morning, in my church, the minister was preaching about the sending of the Holy Spirit. The text was John's gospel, chapters 14 and 16. One of the comments about this text is that Jesus left us but sent another. That being the Holy Spirit. In Greek text, the term for the counselor or Holy Spirit is "paraclete" παράκλητος (paráklētos, "one who consoles, one who intercedes on our behalf, a comforter or an advocate").

One of the other definitions given was "one who is called in to come along side". This I thought was interesting as this is what chaplaincy is.

Chaplaincy is about walking along side with someone through the various experiences of life. We are called to come in, and to walk along side the person, as a means of providing comfort, assistance and guidance through a difficult time.

One of the minister's comments or rather a notable quote, was about a previous time that he preached about "paraclete". He said that one of his parishioners who is hard of hearing came up to him at the end of the service and said "I didn't think that the Holy Spirit was a parakeet. I always thought of the Holy Spirit as a dove, but you kept saying that it was a parakeet."

Right drug, right reason

I have noticed a poster on the board on one of my units. It was a "new" protocol a few months ago for nursing. There were 5 "rights" that has now become 7. 2 were "right' drug to the "right" patient for the "right" reason. This change was likely implimented so that people could make certain that they were medicating patients in the proper doseages for the proper reason.

I was thinking about this and some of the decisions that we make in life. It has always been important that my decisions are based on the right reasons. Often we make decisions that seem right for that moment, but in hindsight we regret it. And once implemented cannot by changed..with huge consequences.

The difficulty related to our decisions/actions and the seemingly right motivation, I think, is that we tend to make decisions either from an intellectual reasoning... or an emotional reasoning. Or in the "heat of the moment". But more often than not, people do not consider the rationale or consequences of their actions at all. No one wants to admit that they are wrong about something that they did... or didn't do.

Back to the "right drug, right reason" premise -- the idea is to consider why we are performing the action. Rather than because this is how it is done, or this is what we have always done... (not considering all factors to a decision..) I think this applies to other decisions in our lives as well. Some are mundane, (what to have for breakfast, what to wear), to monumental (what I believe about the world, how I treat other people) and while overthinking is not recommended, it is still good to pause from time to time and consider the rationale to our actions.

Am I doing this for the right reason at the right time? ( and at times, you have to trust your instincts, and act on faith.)

Update on life

Yes I know... it's been a while since I put something of substance rather than throwing a poem or picture on here while cleaning files.

So life has calmed down from the roller coaster craziness for the time being. I think I have alluded to the CPE training that I took to get to this job. For 3 years now, I have been working on my specialist certification. So it is done. I will not go into details of the labor and pain that it took to get to it , but suffice it to say, I have passed. And it will be ratified soon. Then I can move on with my life. It is a big weight off my shoulders as I have been struggling to acquire/gather all the documentation required for the interview.

The certification is important because in most places hiring CPE trained, specialist is minimum. To get to specialist, you need 2 basic units and 2 advanced. One "unit" is usually 8 months for 2 days a week, or 5 days for 12 weeks in the summer. So either way, it takes a while to accumulate. It is intensive and emotionally and financially exhaustive. The way I explain to people is that it is like I now have my masters with this certification. (I have a masters degree, but this is the best metaphor for the CPE training.)

So now I will take a nice break and go visit my family who live elsewhere, so I don't see them that often. Then we'll see how work goes and whether the renewed vigor has returned.

Quote of the day

Yesterday I was consoled by a friend with the quote "we plan and God laughs." I've really learned how annoyingly true this quote can be. (But I know that God in his/her wisdom, knows better than I, so let's see what curve balls life will throw.)

Lessons Learned... Advice from a fellow blogger

Every morning on my commute to work, I read the free paper 24 hours. This was one of the articles this morning. It is actually a blog post and I found the "article" to share with you all. It has important "lessons learned". Written by Amy Fabulous.
While it is not my experience exactly, I like 99% of it.

Today is my birthday. Another year lived, and what a year it has been.

Components of my life have changed dramatically – my home, my career, my headspace…I guess you can say, I’ve grown up. While I will always be the girl who gets excited over a cupcake, daydreams of ballerina twirls, wears her heart on her sleeve and believes that romantic, earth moving, unconditional love exists, I am also a woman who has made mistakes, wasted tears, held back due to fears but, fortunately, learned a lot during the ride.

Today, I look back on my year, and would like to share some of the lessons I’ve learned along the way.

On work:

You can create your destiny. Determine and visualize where you want to be first and foremost as after, you can discover the steps needed to get there.

Calmness is an acquired skill. Train yourself to handle the most intense situations with a calm, cool and collected demeanor which others will find reassuring and comforting.

Confidence cannot be faked. It’s energy. What’s worse is if you are insecure about the value you provide and try to overcompensate by loud theatrics, unnecessary comments or go off on a tangent.

If you are on the agency/vendor side – NEVER get too comfortable. Remember, your relationship is business first and foremost. Dress appropriately and when in doubt, wear an undershirt. I am your client and do not want to see your hairy chest during a pitch.

Balance. Doesn’t matter how busy or important you are, if you don’t get some proper “me” time and balance – your work, productivity, output, relationships and efficiency will suffer in the long run.

Dress the part, act the part, talk the part, walk the part, be the part.

“Complaining is not a winning strategy”. Come with solutions and options, weigh the pros and cons of each. Move forward.

A lesson I learned while working at DDB and with my current company. Mediocrity or simply “good” is not enough. Strive for greatness. If you cannot say that you’re proud of what you’ve produced, then don’t bother.

If it’s your profession, do not be afraid to ask for compensation for your services, ideas or expertise. Your time is money, don’t just give it to anyone.

There is a difference between being aggressive and assertive. As a woman, don’t overcompensate for your insecurity or fear by acting aggressive and bitchy. Be assertive – know your value, ask for what you want and have the data to back up your requests.

Always be prepared to pitch.

When I’m about to get emotional or take something personally over a work situation, I take a pause and ask, “What would a man do in this situation?” It helps me remove the sensitivity, hormones and unnecessary drama to move forward.

On Friends:

Your community is a key pillar in your joy, empowerment and happiness. Be open, share, give, contribute, bring value and appreciate.

Don’t be the chick who disappears off the face of the earth once you have a boyfriend. It’s lame, it’s old and quality friends don’t deserve that.

If you always come to the table thinking of what you can do to give and to make the other person happy, you will always win. The ones who are takers and who don’t add value to your life will eventually weed out.

As you grow, you can also grow out of your friendships. People change and grow apart, that’s just a fact of life. Don’t feel guilt or do things out of obligation because of that.

Make effort. Invest in your relationships with key friends.

On Love and Men…

“The most important relationship is the one with yourself.” Work on yourself, learn, grow, and once you are at a place of contentment and self love, that is when you truly ready to create love with another. No one can fix you, at least not for long.

Have standards, not expectations. Standards is a level of quality, respect and value exchange that are non- negotiables. You deserve to be treated the way you treat others. Expectations are the check list of unrealistic ideals and demands which is often rooted in a sense of entitlement.

Likes likes like. You like people because they resemble the parts you like about yourself. You also dislike people for this very reason. Who you are drawn to and draw in, are thus entirely due to your own energy.

Know your needs, values and non-negotiables. If there is a conflict of what needs can and cannot be fulfilled, it’s best to be honest and address it earlier than later. You have three options, one person changes, you accept the situation entirely for what it is, or you remove yourself from the situation.

Do what you say. Say what you mean.

Don’t ever take each other for granted. That’s giving up. Always try.

Know your language of love and what your partner’s language of love is. You can make effort to show your love in the language they understand (quality time, physical touch, acts of service, gifts and words of affirmation).

You allow people to treat you the way they do.

Show compassion.

Relationships don’t go on cruise control. They need constant attention, care and effort. Whether this means dates, surprises, spontaneity or taking up a hobby to grow together, find ways to keep it exciting.

Always want the best for your partner and wish happiness for them. Even if this means at times you have to compromise, watch a movie you don’t want to or be patient with your needs.

Guys – when a girl is upset, insecure or just needing attention, sometimes all she really wants is a huge hug that tells her everything is going to be okay and reassurance of your feelings and support.

Every real man, has a plan. Have faith.

On Feeling Fabulous

Make an effort on your presentation. Laziness is not an excuse.

Be thankful everyday and share your feelings of gratitude with people the people who touch your life.

Give. Engage in random acts of kindness. Help people. Be kind and generous without expecting anything in return. Karma will come back to you ten fold.

Have a clean home and tidy desk.

Seek the goodness in others. People will become what you expect of them.

Do thoughtful things that will make others happy. Happiness is contagious.

To my friends, my amazing sisters, and community – thank you for showering me with love and kindness. I feel so strong, empowered and fortunate because you are a part of my life.

Poem for the day

Pinkish-white blooms

fluttering the in wind



like a delicate bridal veil.

Poem - Eulogy

Eulogy

I don't want to keep planning

your eulogy,
filling my mind with details
of your impending funeral:

choosing the casket
for the viewer's sake
as we've both agreed upon
ecologically sound cremation,

our ashes to colour sunsets worldwide
and flavour all seven oceans
-- so we, earthlings,
return to our earth --

picking out the place
-- temporary for ceremony's sake --
why are they called funeral homes?
who is ever 'at home' there?
though they post 'visiting' hours,
yours or mine?

deciding on which charity
in lieu of flowers
when all that's flowering is loss,

settling a time, one final imposed date,
who will speak what music
which clothes menus for mourners?
even thank-you cards for those who grieved
-- 'paid their respects' --
commercial to the end.

Things Unsaid by Bernice Lever

This is from a poetry book that I found a few years ago at the Word on the Street Festival. Signed by the author.

Over the past few days, death has beckoned at my door. From the conversations that I have had with the individuals, they seem to be saying ....

My Cup
by Robert Friend

They tell me I am going to die
Why don't I seem to care?
My cup is full. Let it spill.

Quote of the day

God made you
as you are
in order to use you
as he planned.

S.C. McAuley

End times... 2 movies

We returned this afternoon from the theatre where we saw Legion. This is about the end of world as we know it. But with the premise that God has given up on humanity. "The first time he gave up, he sent the flood, this time he sent the angels." But one of the angels disagrees. Archangel Michael decides there is hope for humanity. So he and a small group of people end up fighting the zombied people that show up to kill a pregnant woman. The baby was Michael's assignment -- he was supposed to kill the baby, ends up protecting the mother until her child is born. Instead he ends up fighting with the angel Gabriel.

This film was quite dark with a motley mix of characters. There are moments of hope throughout, but the film was still quite dark.






We went to see 2012 two weeks ago. It is also about the end of days but with a different spin and different feel. John Cusack is the protagonist of this film. Essentially the western American coast is about to fall into the sea. While Legion is a sci-fi thriller, 2012 is more of an action flick. 2012 is based on the premise that Mayan prediction is true. The world will end in 2012. This film is about about is our priorities in life, even in times of crisis, what would we do? Would it be every man/woman for them selves? or would we have compassion and help our fellow travelers in the journey?

oddities

So a nurse told me that a patient was saying that she may as well die because nothing seemed to be working. The patient stated to her that "the Pope also had Parkinson's disease and he prayed and it didn't do him any good." to which the nurse replied that "the pope hadn't been admitted to our hospital."

Some times, it is hard to think of what to do/say to some patients as the person is so set on what they think, that there is no point to try and persuade.

Then there are some people who have an interesting sense of logic. One patient told us that since his parents were Jehovah's Witness that he would feel guilty to take a blood transfusion. The patient did not idenify with any particular religious tradition. So it was interesting that he said this. So my staff asked me to go and talk to the man and give him "a dispensation" about this situation. (It didn't fly, in case you wondered, as he was set on his idea.)

It never ceases to amaze me about the odd items that come my way in this line of work.

Excerpt from book The Spiral Garden

There is an old story about a holy man who sequestered himself in a remote mountain cave and spent his nights and days in solitude, praying, far away from humankind. Many years, he spent there, living on a meagre diet of nuts and berries, praying day and night to God. At last, worn out by time, or the privation of the body, or simply by the burden of his solitude, the hermit realizd that he was near death.">As he sat staring into the fire on what he knew to be his last night alive, God spoke to the holy man, not in whispers as would often happen in prayer, or as the man foraged for sustenance or scoured the mountaintop for firewood, but in a clear, audible voice. God said that he was pleased; that the man had fulfilled God’s wishes for him in this life, and, in return, God wished to give him a gift before he died. Whatever the man might ask for. The holy man immediately said, “Tell me the truth about this existence. Why we must struggle and be alone, even in a crowd or with those we love the most. Tell me why we might weep and why we must die.” So God told him the answer.Immediately, the man began to search for a way to record God’s words.He charred a stick in the fire and carefully began writing on large flat stones, line after line pouring forth from his memory and soul, until the night had passed and the sun had begun to rise.And at that moment, the holy man’s energy was spent.He was about to die.He looked at the stones upon which he had written the Truth of God, the greatest gift that humankind could receive.Then, with his last wanning ounce of strength, the hermit dragged the stones to the fire and pushed them in so that the heat of the coals erased the writings.What the hermit realized was that the Truth, once written down, would be read by people with different experiences and expectations, who brought to the words their own desires, ambitions and fears.Every one would understand the truth differently. The result would only bring dissension and pain. Someone once told me that Truth is like mercury.It takes a different shape according to its vessel.If we try to hold on to it, it slips through our fingers.And yet, who among us, if God offered us any gift, would not ask for that very thing? I think, in the end, I would rather have courage than uncertainty.
Prologue from The Spiral Garden by Anne Hines.
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I read this book a few years ago when I was still adapting to ministry. I loved it. I also read "the Passion of Reverend Nash" around the same time. I liked this book, Spiral Garden, because it was full of tidbits like what is written above and the tidbits can be a line.. such the following: But they are all packed with interesting points to ponder.


Abraham Joshua Heschel:
“We do not leave the shore of the known in search of adventure or suspense or because of the failure of reason to answer our questions. We sail, because our mind is like a fantastic sea shell, and when applying our ear to its lips we hear a perpetual murmur from the waves beyond the shore.”

p.200 My hero of the Celtic Church, Palagius, had an idea that, better than a priest, we all needed a "soul friend". Not someone who tells us how to make our journey, but someone who travels beside us, sharing our learning, sharing our fear. You and I have not exactly appeared to travel in step ... but we do give each other this -- we witness each other's journey.

This is probably one of the closer definitions/analogies for what pastoral/spiritual care is.

p 212 Religion is founded on the feeling of being uncomfortable. Discomfort is a gift. It's what compels us to search.There's not a person on the face of the earth, who hasn't wondered, at least for a moment "Why am I?" Not even "why am I here?" I think, but "Why am I?" That is what makes us search. Possibly it is even what makes us human. It is also what tells us there is a God, because we are born into this world knowing from our first heartbeat that there is something missing.
The question speaks to our aloneness. As if, knowing purpose, we could feel connection. I know that aloneness. I know that other too. It's what I've seen occur.. people finding an answer for themselves, by letting the truth to them in the language they can hear best.


Jung said that religion is a defense against a religious experience.

I don't know exactly what this quote means. In the context of the book, I do, but I think that this refers to the fact that some people hide behind the rituals of religion but don't really go deep into what the "religion" teaches. Religion for me, is different from faith. Faith is what you believe and how you live it out in your life. Religion is the label that people use to define what they believe. I will likely think about that one some more later.
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A rabbi, passing by a farmer’s field, heard a farmer singing as he worked. “Dearest God,” the man bellowed joyously, “if I could give you a radish, I’d give you the biggest radish in my garden.” The rabbi was shocked, and going over to the farmer, he admonished him, “that’s no way to address our King! Let me teach you a proper prayer so your words may be accepted by God’s ears.” So the rabbi taught the man a very formal and ancient prayer. The next week, the rabbi was passing the farmer’s field and saw the man was hard at work, but this time no sound escaped his lips.The same thing happened the next week, and the next. The farmer never sang again. Finally, the rabbi died. He arrived at the gates of heaven and was greeted by the sound of angels singing loudly, proclaiming their love and devotion to God. The angels sang, “Dearest God, if we could give you a radish, we’d give you the biggest radish in the garden.”

Praying for a Miracle... waht we want vs. what we need

Every so often, in my work, I am asked by a patient to pray for them/with them. Some times, the requests bother me because they are asking for something that can't be done. I'm not saying that miracles don't happen. Miracles exist every day. It seems to me that most people associate "miracle" with unexplained physical healing. I have heard stories from the news, and from people that I know about the unexplained disappearance of physical illness or cancer cells, and things of this nature, but I have never seen it myself.

It bothers me with some people seem to have what can be deemed , by some to be, "unrealistic hope". I have been asked to pray that God will do a miracle and restore sight, allow paralyzed people to walk, asked if someone went to heaven. I have had conversations with people who want their diseased organs to be restored, or who believe that a transplant will allow every thing to go back to how life was before they were sick...
It is hard to know what to say to some of these things. Part of the dilemma is about my understanding of prayer and the request. When I am asked to pray for healing, I do. I may not pray explicitly as the person as indicated.

My understanding about prayer is this: you don't need to pray formally, as in a formula. Prayer is like having a conversation with a good friend. Someone who cares for us, who loves us, ... in more ways than we can fathom. The second part about my understanding of prayer comes from the Lord's Prayer, the "our Father who art in heaven.... thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven". Specifically, the phrase about "thy Will". People seem to put conditions on their requests. "if you do this, I'll never ask you for anything again.. " (until another crisis hits.) or the unspoken condition which is "if you really love me, you'll do this thing for me." As I often have to remind myself, that what we want is not the same as what we need. What we want is also not the same as what God wants, or wills, for us. This line from the prayer says that it is "God's will to be done on earth as in heaven." This can only be done when our will is in line with God's will for this world. He wants us to be happy and healthy. He wants us to use what he has given, like our brain, and think about what we are doing and why.

So this is where my dilemma comes from.. when we ask for what we want and think it is something that they need. I need a car for graduation. I need that toy. Need that designer outfit, need that shiny thing. Hubby and I went to the movie "The Princess and the Frog". This is a story that didn't go as one would think. Usually in a fairy tale, boy meets girl, falls in love, woos her and they live happily ever after. Typically, the princess kisses the frog, he turns back in to a prince, and they get married and live happily ever after. In this movie, the girl kissed the prince but turned into a frog instead of getting her human-formed prince. In one scene of the movie, they are seeking a magical potion to return to human form from a shaman who lives in the middle of the New Orleans bayou. The woman instead explains that there is a difference between what you need and what you want. "Dig deep down inside and discover what you need." She kept emphasizing that they were to think about what they need. In the end, the girl realized that she was ok with not being human and focused on what she needed from her life as it was. This was her key to happiness. (This is the only way I can say it without spoiling the plot.)

So back to praying for a miracle. I believe that a miracle is found even in simple events, the mystery of life, birth is a miracle! the advances in technology, the advances in research, the good that has been done for health, longevity of our population and how it has grown in the past century.... so I asked one of my colleagues about his opinion and insight for when asked to pray for a miracle. His answer was that there are 3 answers to prayer: 1. Yes. 2. No. 3. Not yet.
Who is to say that a miracle won't happen in this person's lifetime? It may be that the persons gets the new heart or lungs in heaven? or in the next 3 years? but in the meantime, for the next three years, what is the person's plan of action to function with the illness until the miracle happens.
I prefer this approach/answer to the "unrealistic hope" situation. Rather than telling the person that their faith that God will heal them is stupid or unfounded, there are ways to guide them to accept what is. It is a fine line between nurturing faith, finding meaning in this awful place where they find themselves, and conveying the message of the medical team.
One doctor mentioned this about a patient of mine. I met the patient at her last admission, which was a long one. She is hoping for recovery of her organs. The doctor said that they will never recover and that she needs to accept this so that she can move on. What do you say to a woman who has faith that has gotten through these awful months of hell that doesn't squash her belief in God's love for us, or her faith in people? or the person who believes that their transplant is like a cure for the illness....

I prefer to say well in the meantime, what will you do to function while you are waiting for the miracle to occur. That is a better approach. This can help to address the "need" vs. "want" issue as well.