Some days I hate my job

Today was NOT a good day. Can you say stress? I spent my morning catching up/checking in with various patients of mine all over the hospital. This was done in between rounds and I never got back to my office to sort out necessary paperwork that I need for a meeting tomorrow until 11:30 or so.

I got involved with a case whereby a patient of mine got admitted to ICU unexpectedly and is not expected to make it. I know her friends personally and ended up phoning them at about 4pm to tell them to come to the hospital tonight to say goodbye if they wanted the chance to do this. She is not likely to wake up and not expected to survive very long.

I distracted myself by finally cleaning my messy desk. I had soo much stuff on it, I could remember what color it was!! Papers and books and a huge binder full of the information that I need for tomorrow's meeting for which there are no minutes despite my hunting for them, and I have had numerous people drop out of the meeting after they had RSVped that they would come. I am very thrilled to have gotten the speaker from my church. He is an Internationally known speaker on the topic of dealing with Stress, hence we are getting him as a favor to me. He is intrigued by the group and the work we do so he wanted to do this, despite the fact that we SOO cannot afford him.

The ICU thing was hard. Meeting the family for the first time in these circumstances. I do not like to do this. And the situation sucks. It is interesting though because her friend/family member was saying that they are sad to see this happen, and they have been in this place before because my patient has been in dire straits before. And they rejoice because she will go home to heaven. They will celebrate this woman's life while mourning their loss. It is hard to know what to say/do. It is hard to watch. Some days I hate my job.

Ever have a "blond" moment?

Okay. So I was late for this service I was doing and so I picked up the phone and called a cab company. Then I was put on hold, so I called a different one with my cell phone and when one picked up I hung up the other. Found my shoes, ran out the door and got to the service in time for rehearsal with choir. I reached into my pocket ... and what did I find?

My home phone!!! as well as my cell phone.

I had hung up the home phone, put it in my pocket and left with it!! This is by far the most bizarre thing I have done of the scatterbrain nature!! Enjoy the laugh. I shared with most of my friends present.

New Hat!!

I bought a new hat today. My mother and I were shopping for her dress for my wedding. She did not get one, but I found a new "Spring" hat!! I love it! and can't wait to wear it.

I love hats. Ever since Lady Di wore them, but of course.. the Queen of hats was Audrey Hepburn. Wearing hats is not so in vogue as it used to be. People don't really wear clothes with the flare of the last century. I lament this.

The Horrible MOH mistake aka Wedding Blunder ala moi

So yesterday I was on MSN with my sister for a few minutes before work. Just wanted to tell her that our mother got here safe from the other end of the country and I walked into my wedding nightmare!! I won't bore you with the conversation details, but basically it

Her: your friend has been sending me emails
Me: you don't like it?
Her: no no they're a bit interesting
me: meaning?
Her: well they make it sound as if you are telling her one thing and me another thing, but I don't think that's the case and she keeps asking my permission for stuff--what exactly did you tell her about me?
Me: no that's how she is... what kind of stuff is she asking permission about? wedding stuff or buying stuff?
Her: just about which wedding stuff she can look after ... she mentioned once that she is maid of honor I think
Me: yes she is
Her: well you had told me that I am so you are telling us different things ... I don't care
but you shouldn't tell two ppl the same thing .... you will start telling me the truth and her the truth
Me: uh.. I'm sorry butI don't think I ever told you that you were the matron of honor .. it has always been jenn Her: no you told me
Me: I had asked if you wanted to be in the wedding...
Her: and I said I didn't have to be moh and I didn't but you never told me otherwise
Me: well I'm sorry for that... I thought you understood
Her: no I am only going by your words how can I understand what you don't say


Then I reviewed my emails history and I realized that when she said she didn't have to be a "maid" I assumed she meant "bridesmaid" and she meant "maid of Honor". So.. now I have 2 MOHs. And you can't unask someone.. So while looking for MOB dresses with my mother, I asked the saleswoman if she had heard anything this wacky of all the weddings she's been invovled with. She said no.. that this was a first, but suggested that I keep them as both MOH but one (sister) signs the registry as witness (Sister -because she is family) and the other (Jenn) will do the toast. Now I have to explain this to them. Ugh.

Calling all Blitzers!

What the heck am I talking about? Eh? Well, "Dutch Blitz" is a fabulously fun card game that can be played with 2 or more people. The more people, the more fun I think. There are 4 decks, hence four people are preferable, but we have played in teams, etc. It is great fun. I got my friends hooked one fateful Saturday in June some years ago. It is typically played in Mennonite circles, but now the girls and I play on Satrudays. We haven't played in a while, but I finally had some of the girls over this past Sunday. We had fun. Lilian kicked our butts in this thing, We threaten to ban her, but never do.

I have my wedding invitations!! Time to celebrate with some blitz. The girls were sad to hear that I have to move when I get married as they will have to stop playing and go further to do so. Lilian told me that I 'm allowed to marry whoever, but I can't move out of downtown Vancouver and have to let them come over regularly to play. Some people have bridge or poker, we play Blitz.

Change of Perspective

Yesterday was a busy day but it ended with Ballet. The Messiah. It was a choral/ballet combination. The music of Handel with dance. It was more interesting to see this as a ballet than to just go to a concert of singers. I liked seeing the dancing interpretations of certain well known parts of music.

Searching for Prince Charming... the Cinderella Complex or "Does Happily Ever After" really Exist?

Every one wants to be swept off their feet by love, romance and all that goes with it. Little girls typically dream of their wedding day to that handsome Prince Charming. The Fairytales are obsessed with it. The idea of finding love permeates literature throughout the ages. So what is it about the "Cinderella complex" as I call it, that so fascinates us, ok, me.

Ever since I was a little girl, I have loved the Cinderella story. We had a record (LP) with the illustrated book to accompany it. My mother was constantly nagged to "flip the record" as I was not young enough to do it myself. When she was tired of doing it, or too busy, I would content myself with looking at the pictures and reading the story to myself. Even today, I own 4 or 5 versions of this story on video; from the horrible musical version with Whitney and Brandi, to my favorite of all times, Ever After with Drew Barrymore.

I think it's more than the gorgeous dress or the handsome prince. I think it is an inner desire to be loved in a way that one never thought could be a reality for them. Cinderella is a girl/woman who is a servant, but lives a good life. She is fabulously rewarded for her long unjust years of service, by finding love. Not just any love, but fabulous everything she could possible dream of/want love. To be plucked from the drudgery of one's existence and placed in a life she never thought she could achieve on her own. That is the Cinderella complex, as I define it. To be "rescued" from the boring, dull existence and given a new hope. And Prince C. loves her for who she is. He sees through the peasant attire and sees her for what she is, and what she can be. (Irony is that he meets her at his ball when she is as she could be, but later discovers that she is not as she was presented, but determines that he loves her anyways.)

It seemed like the Cinderella story was a possible reality to achieve on July 29, 1981. My mother woke me up at 7 in the morning and I sat, glued to the TV, to see Lady Diana Spencer wed her prince. As we all know, this did not stay a happy ending. Not for her or for Fergie, although it seems to be working out for Sophie. But I think that is because Sophie was a different kind of woman. While Diana admits she was young and naive about her situation, as well both she and Fergie faced obstacles beyond their control, Sophie was independent in her own right, as she and Edward married when older. So what of the fact that Diana's, I mean when Cinderella's Prince is really a toad? What do we do with this?

As we have seen, the fairytale did not end happily for Diana. But seems that Prince C. did get his happy ending. Sometimes, the fairytale is orchestrated to put the pieces/characters that we think will work. As we have envisioned... but when the story is written wrong, or the characters are not matched properly we see disastrous results. I think it goes back to the expectations that we have for the "happy ending". When it turns out that Prince Charming is a toad, or Princess is a hag, it leads us to question whether "happily ever after" really exists, or do we just "stop reading the story"? (divorce)

There is a such a strong trend in this day and age towards "living together" versus marriage. Friends tell me it is better than marriage. With marriage, you can't throw them out out of the house when you want. But I wonder at the lack of commitment,decline in marriage. As the divorce rates escalate, we see that people are scared to get married for the emotional and financial drain it will have on them. What they don't tell you in the fairytale is what "happily ever after" looks like. It's not all easy street from the altar. It's hard work, compromise, communication... children, stress, laughter, joy, ...

One last comment related to the expectations of "happily ever after". We search for "Mr. or Ms Right" but do we sometimes not see them as such? or do we settle for "Right Now"? Are our expectations about the perfection of the "happily ever after" and Prince/ss Charming too high? What of those who never seem to find the "one" while others seem to be Lucky in love at an earlier stage in life than the rest of their friends? Why do we think we need someone else to complete us?

What is "dating"?

I may not have mentioned this before, but I am getting married this summer. I am stunned! Really. I mean I have had a late start in the dating world and so I'm sure there is lots of things I don't know about relating to the opposite sex. Luckily, I have not had many misfortunes or wierd experiences in this area of my life. But I'm still stunned that I am getting married.

Why? well... I haven't really dated enough people to think I know what a "real" relationship is supposed to look like, (but then who knows really eh?) and groom-to-be (GTB) is the longest I have EVER dated anyone. That and when men find out what I do for a living, it either freaks them out or they don't really get what it is hat I do. Either way, that can be a bit of a barrier to a continued romance.

The ironic thing about "dating" is that it has changed so much over the years that I don't think either party knows what "it" really is. Sometimes, the man and woman have a very different idea about what they expect to get out of the relationship/dating experience. You know, longterm/marriage material, hang out once in a while, sex without commitment, that kind of thing.

I usually could tell after 2 or 3 dates whether I thought it was going to go anywhere. It is hard to date/commit to someone that you know isn't "clicking" with you in some of the important areas. In my case, it was my faith. Considering I am an ordained minister, it was a key part of my worldview and a dealbreaker. There were a 2 guys that I dated that I knew I had no future with due to "mother" issues, or faith. And that is hard. You learn to love them and then you have to break up with them. Argh! With GTB, it was just right. And the fun thing is that he fit my 5 criteria for men. Oh come on ladies, we all have them. We come up with this list when we first start dating....

1. Must be Christian.
2. Taller than me (I am 5'9)
3. Preferably blond.
4. Must have a brain.
(This means a few things: has some level of education and knows how to articulate his thoughts. Can communicate with me on a level worthy of my extensive (11) years of post-secondary education and not make me feel that I have to dumb myself down to his level, or not make me feel like I am inferior.) Must have ambition. (Employed, financially secure, no significant debt as I have none, and plans to move ahead in the world versus settle for whatever.)
5. Not too much baggage.
(Preferably no ex-wife, no children, not a Mama's boy, no significant issues that override his personality such as blaming, whining, or the like.)

Over the years, this list got weaned to 3 items. I was happy to take them if they met three, the first one still being a priority but I did date men who didn't even have any of the criteria.

I got lucky with GTB, as he is 6'6.5, and all of the above. AND he is okay with what I do for a living. I tease him that he will be the "minister's wife/spouse" and ask if he's okay with that, because usually when there is a minister in a family, it is assumed that it is the man. *roll eyes here*

Procrastinate with this ...

If you are in the mood to do something different for a while... try this link.

http://img252.echo.cx/img252/8159/006wo.swf

Maybe dementia IS contagious?

I went to work today without makeup on. Sure I looked fine, but I notice and I felt naked without it. So I came home to put it on and then go to the store to pick up stuff we need at work, only to discover that in my haste, I left my keys at work. So the super had to let me in... how embarassing!!

My secretary said, "what is wrong with you? Why are you so forgetful?" after telling her that I forgot my coat at church yesterday as well.

"What can I say? I'm young and in love?" I replied. "It's spring and love is in the air?? Making me think of other things. I dunno. I guess I was so eager to get to work today...."

*roll eyes here.

We'll see what happens when I go back to work now.

What are you THINKING?!!?

Man. Once again.. it is way too early to be up on a Saturday morning... My one day to sleep in. And I am awake at 6:30. And what do I do? I read my paper, clean up a bit (although you'd wonder if I really did anything!) Thought about cool things to update this .. don't really remember any of them.

I was reading someone else's blog. The guy who writes it was lamenting how much he doubts and why. I would like to pose a possible answer to that question. Why do we as humans on this earth, doubt God and our faith? Some would say that those who doubt are not strong in their faith. I would agree to some degree, but what about those who "never doubt" anything? Is that really possible?

If you look at the Psalms, as per the Old Testament of the Bible, you will see that David "the man after God's own heart" expressed a range of emotion. Doubt being one of them. True, textual criticism will argue that not of all of these records psalms were written by David, but the point is that even those who are "strong" in their faith, will get angry, will question, wonder and yes, even doubt from time to time. People shouldn't feel guilty about doubting their faith or understanding of God, but rather it is what you DO with that doubt that is important. I would like to answer that the question of why we doubt so much with a less than direct answer. Who cares why we doubt? (If you do it a lot, then maybe you should talk to someone about it) but for those who don't infrequently, I would like to pose that maybe it is part of the learning process. We doubt and wonder and question the things that occur in this world, but doesn't that challenge us to grow.

I remember when I was in my last year of my seminary training, and one of my profs said that if you only read books you agree with, how does that challenge you? To read a book that you disagree with can be a challenge from time to time, but that challenge is to inspire you to figure out WHY you disagree with the author's theory or premise. Take the DaVinci code. It is a book that has inspired controversy throughout the world. Why? Because there are crazy people who can't get it through their head that it is a novel. But then there are those who disagree with the ideas presented.. that DaVinci was part of a conspiracy, that the Holy Grail was a woman and that Jesus had sex and gave in to his Human desires to produce a "royal" bloodline .... For some, this is not so weird, but for others it is ludicrous.

The key is for any reader (on any subject not just this book) to figure out what they disagree with and why. If you answer, "because it's wrong" but have no basis other than "because", that may not be a credible argument. If you answer "I was taught otherwise", then this leads to a whole other can of worms. How do you know that what you have been taught is accurate? This is the basis of doubt. To figure out what you really think and why. For some things, you will never get an answer that you like. You will never "see" the answer. That is what faith is. Believing without seeing. We are not all fortunate to be Thomas, the doubting disciple who was granted proof for his queries... but we can see proof in other ways. It is essential that we all understand why we do/think/feel as we do, rather than being led blindly.

Can you articulate your theology? Statement belief? If you can't express it in words other than " I believe what my (church,family, etc) believes. And they believe what I do.." then please try again.

Kat in the Hat Creations...

I am going to have to start charging people for my services. The other day I did a brochure for my techonogically challenged colleague for something that he was doing. I found this picture and put in on the back and wrote that the brochure was "produced by Kat in the Hat Creations". If I ever do decide to do something other than this field, maybe I could freelance with my Kat in the Hat company. Who knows?

Pink Panther

I just saw Pink Panther.. critics pan it. I suppose it was cheesy in parts, but it was good to go a "clean" movie for once. Steve Martin is awesome.

http://www.sonypictures.com/movies/thepinkpanther/site/

Sometimes things don't go as planned...

Yesterday was a good day. I went to breakfast with a friend. Had a good talk as we hadn't seen each other in a while. Then I finally ordered my invitations for my August wedding. Oh my... They were more than I thought they would be because it was an American company. Like $100 more. But it is done. I just have to make one minor change to what I wrote and then we get them.

We also finished our wedding registry. I had to explain to my honey the difference between a comforter and a duvet. We just had to pick a duvet and add pillows and we were done last night. Yippee. Sometimes my super-annoying organizational skills are a good thing. We are so done of the major stuff. I have the church, hall, Dress!!, photographer, flowers, and wedding party all picked. All this within the first four weeks of our engagement. We are getting married in 5 months!! Sometimes I think I am crazy to do this. I mean, I don't think that we really are ready for something as we think we are. Marriage and all it entails. One possible rationale for numerous divorces in this day and age.

But also sometimes when we think we are prepared for something, when it really occurs, we still are amazed at our reaction. This applies to death/grief as well. Grief is experienced as a result of any significant loss you know. Not just death. When we move, or face a significant change. Job loss, family structure change, marriage, births, loss of independence/mobility/identity, all of these things can be grief-related. When I first moved here to Vancouver from Prince Edward Island, I couldn't figure out what was wrong with me. I got majorly depressed. I felt claustrophobic. (I had lived in big cities like Winnipeg, and was used to tall buildings, but here in Vancouver, they are so close together -- I felt like I couldn't breathe.) For the first 4-6 months, I felt like packing up everyday and leaving this place. But what was I going to go home to? I came here to "start" my life after spending 12 years training for this career. It wasn't until much later, that I realized I was having a grief reaction. Ironic, considering grief/dementia/end-of-life issues are kind of my specialty areas. I realized that I had left everything I had ever known to come here -- to a new city where I knew no one, new cultural factors, new city, new job... no wonder I thought I was going crazy.

My initial plan was to only be here for 2 years and then leave. That would be long enough to get ordained (year 1) and get my specialist certification (year 2). Then I was going to move to Ontario. Not that I like Ontario, but it is closer to the East Coast where my family lives (PEI, NS). But it looks like I'm staying here, as I am getting married here. That and the urgency to move back has lessened now when my dad died last April. I always said I would not be a long-distance relative, such as my sister and I grew up with, but that is exactly what I am. My nieces are on the other end of the country .. and I am here. I do travel there a lot though. And everyone of them (my family of 5) will be here for my August wedding.

Sometimes, things don't go as planned. But sometimes, that's a good thing.

Hazards of Living

It is way too early on a Saturday morning... like 6:30 am, and I am awake. This happens.. my one day to sleep in and I am up before the sun is. But find it so hard to drag my butt out of bed on weekdays.. ironic huh?

You know, there are some days when I wonder what I was thinking by going into this field of healthcare chaplaincy. There's politics from too many angles, there's red tape within my department, and then within the units that I work on, that it interferes at times with the job focus. On top of that, I seem to be saying goodbye to a lot of patients lately. I have only been here for 3 and half years, but a lot of the longtimers have died. Especially recently. It is getting hard to deal with some days.

Not only do I work in renal (kidneys) but also Geriatric medicine. I did most of my training in longterm care (Nursing homes), and this is a bit different because at the hospital, some of our patients are acute. They had a fall and we help them mobilize a bit better before we send them home. But often, we end up diagnosising patients with dementia, and then they aren't allowed to go home (as they are a safety risk to self and others) and then we have to place them in a facility. So most of my patients are just waiting to be admitted to a care facility.

Yesterday, I was talking to the wife of a patient with dementia. He wants to go home, (well I can't blame him.), but she had a small stroke earlier this year and she admits she does not have the strength to fight him on what he wants. She feels guilty for not letting him come home. "Jane" feels like the staff don't like her because she is so emotional lately. She says she spends most of her time crying lately. At home, when she prays, at times when she sees her husband. After talking about this for a bit, I told her that it was not going to be easy. The man that I met is not the man that she married. His disposition will/has changed due to the dementia, and it will be hard to visit him in his new place. He will tell her to take him home. He will slowly forget the things that he knows more and more, and soon, he may not know her.

I asked if she had a bible at home, and told her to look at the Psalms, and try an exercise of praying the Psalms. There is every range of emotion in there.. from joy and bliss, to raging anger with God and the psalmist lot in life. She said she would try that. Jane affirmed my interaction with her and my manner with her husband as valued. It was a good way to end my week. If only I could maintain that focus on a regular basis.

Some people are just... ew!

http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/0217062contract1.html

Read this and then tell me what you think. I was appalled and will likely tell more reactions later.

I can not believe what some people think is "normal". I understand that everyone is different and hence there are different standards of "norm". I wonder what type of upbringing someone would have to think this way. I mean, obviously the man in question is very particular.. but then there is just... crazy. I mean, psych ward nuts.

Fighting with computers

Man these things are SUPPOSED to make your life easier but I wonder... I have spent the past 2 weeks fighting with my computer both at work and at home. I have written a blog about my frustrations with elevators twice only to loose the darn thing because I'm still not sure about using this blog stuff!! ARGH!

At work, I have been doing a database/membership list which was painstaking and tedious. I finally finished it last night after 2 weeks of working on it daily. In the course of doing so, I learned why there wer so many problems... alot of typos from previous database owners, and misinformation in general.. hence emails would bounce.. etc.

Somedays, I think that the computer takes me away from my "real" job of dealing one-on-one with people. Or maybe I am supposed to be in administration... I don't know. (That's what my personality profile said, as per Myers-Briggs www.myersbriggs.org) but I think that would make my life more frustrating. Having to deal with politics and bureaucracy would not be a good fit for me.

I will rewrite my elevator thing later when I'm not so annoyed with the loosing blogs things .In the meantime, check out. http://www.candidcritic.com/elevators.htm http://www.hespos.com/archives/000289.html

Saying Farewell to Another Beautiful Soul

This week has been surprisingly good despite what has happened. I finally went back to work again and it seems everything went haywire while I was gone. Staff members retired and I missed a farewell party, one of my patients was on palliative ward and died on Sunday. I went upstairs to the exact room where she was for another patient of mine that has decided to stop treatment. It is rare for my patients to die, compared with palliative or ICU, I mean. My patients are geriatric or kidney patients. In a sense, they are dying, due to aging or a chronic ilness such as kidney failure, but they are not usually actively dying.

It is days like yesterday that I just hate my job. I have known these women for 2 years or more. Since I first came here to Vancouver. In fact, this woman I saw today, is the first patient I ever met when I started my job here at the hospital. The thing is .. I am not medical, so I can't give them pain meds, and I can't help them with their treatment other than to listen to them. J's decision to stop her dialysis was a shock for most staff, other than me. I have been hearing her struggle with pain since I met her. She is a determined lady and very at peace with her world. I asked her if she had any regrets in life. She answered "my one regret is that I never got to take that skydiving class I signed up for before my mom got sick." For a woman in her 70's, if that is all that she regrets in her life, I think she is doing pretty good.

I realized today what is so hard about this experience. I feel like I am just getting to know her even though I have talked to J almost once a week for the past 3 years. And now I have to walk her out of this world. This is indeed a priviledge and also great heartache for me. I am sure I am not alone when I say that we are loosing a great soul when she finally dies. I have been truly blessed to know her.

What is it about death that makes those of us who are living to re-evaluate our priorities, and to consider what we want from our lives. When it comes down to it, life is precious and we spend a lot of it wasting our time and money on frivolous things. In the end, I hope that I will satisfied with the living of my life and regret very little as J does.

**Note** True to her word, J died the next day, peacefully in her sleep. She lived her life with no nonsense, and died as she wanted. The picture was taken the day before she died. I'm so glad I took it that day. What a way to go. I'll miss you.

Hate being Sick

I am sick. And I hate being sick. I have had a cold for the past week and I have been awake since 3 am. Ticking me off. I only went back to work on Wednesday and then I was there yesterday and now, Friday, I am not going in. What is the point? I am too tired or will be later, and I am not allowed to see patients as I am sick. Ironic. I work in healthcare and there is very little I can do at work if I am sick. No paperwork left, etc.

Being sick you get to stay home, veg on the couch, catch up on TV or read, or sleep. But I get bored after a few days. Not being able to eat doesn't help either. I suppose I could use this time to clean my apartment and continue purging my stuff. I am getting married and hence I have to move in 6 months. But I am a pack rat. I keep cutesy things, and paper. You know, the phone numbers you think you need. That article that was cool, but you've never read it. Things like that. So I have to purge things so that in 6 months, after the wedding is over, I can just throw a few things in a box and drive it over to the new place. And some days, I shake my head at all the stuff I have and wonder what I was thinking, while other days I can't imagine not keeping it. "It's still good you know." You would think that I would learn after moving around for the past 15 years. I have discovered that when you move into a place you think you don't have enough to fill it up.. okay, maybe it's just me... but when I move out, I'm appalled at the things I have accumulated.

Well I suppose I should get started on something... that or go back to bed and see if I can catch up on some sleep that I missed out on this morning.

So let's get started.. I read people's blogs, but never know what to write in mine. What to write .. how much to write.. blah blah blah. Let's start with the title of my blog. I call it "Space in between".. mostly in reference to space between my ears.. and whatever comes out of my mouth.

I work in healthcare chaplaincy or spiritual care. Most people don't even know what that is, so it hard to explain sometimes. I am like a counselor. I visit the patients in my areas, and provide "emotional and spirtual support" and man, do they have some doozies out there. Some days, the conversations are just airy.. you know about the weather, and other times, the conversation is debate about life and love. What gives that person meaning, big questions about fatalism, suffering, the meaning of it all, suffering, hope, and the Will of God. And people say they aren't religious! I think it is possible to be spiritually in tune, searching for God and your place in this Creation, but necessarily adhere to one religious tradition. Unfortunately, some people do not think about God and their lives until they are hit with some big trauma or operation where life and death are in the balance and then they start to think about their life... where they have been and where they are going. Through this, I have met some very beautiful souls.
And you never know what will come from one day to the next.

So my blog will be relate to my work and my working it all out as well as the joys and sorrows of just living my life. Hopefully this blog will not just get lost in cyberspace.