Demi did it better ...

Oh my goodness.. What are celebrities thinking sometimes? Britney is on the cover of a magazine au natural while complaining to paparazzi to leave her family alone. Pul...leeze. If you do things and you are in the public eye, expect scrutiny. Despite the fact that it caused controversy even then, I prefer Demi's cover.

Fire!!

I wonder what the guy was thinking when he came home and found his door broken down, charring of his watersoaked apartment...

So this afternoon, when I got home. All I could think was that someone was burning rubber, or BBQing really badly. I was on my way to a friend's place for a group get-together and when I got out of the elevator, there were three firemen standing in our lobby. That would explain the pounding on a door that my fellow tenants and I heard near the 5th floor. So we decided we should wait to see what comes of this. Odd that this occured while I was home, there was no firealarm, so I wonder who called them.

I went outside to see what was going on.. and I looked up at the action. There was a fireman on a balcony of the 3rd floor and smoke pouring out of the window of the apartment. So I called my friend to say I'd be a bit late. Why? There's a fire in my building and the firemen broke the door down. Really? when? uh, about 2 minutes ago. But I'm on my way now...

So when I got back just now, there was a locksmith who told me where it was.. Someone left a pot on the stove. The place still reeks, but not as bad.

Quotes from the Blue Man ...

I went to a funeral today for a choir member. Shortly after sitting down, I wanted to bolt out of there. It was the first funeral, in a church, that I had been to since dad. It is hard to say goodbye to people even if you didn't really know them. It is still hard to believe that dad is gone. While sitting there, I remembered the words of the Blue Man from the book 5 people you meet in heaven. He said

"my funeral. Look a the mourners. Some did not even know me well, yet they came. Why? Did you ever wonder why? Why people gather when others die? Why people feel they should?
It is because the human spirit knows, deep down, that all lives intersect. That death doesn't just take someone, it misses someone else, and in the small distance between being taken and being missed, lives are changed. ... We think such things are random. But there is a balance to it all. One withers, another grows. Birth and death are part of a whole. It is why we are drawn to babies .. and to funerals."

That is why I stayed at the funeral. There is a recognition of the story of the life lived. The loss of yet another beautiful soul We are all affected by what is and what is not. I have learned in my work to deal with grief related to death, grief related to losses of life -- jobs, independence, dreams... The irony is that the closer you are the person who dies, the harder it is for you when you grieve. Despite the fact that it has been little over a year, and I knew my father was very sick, and I know he is not suffering and not in pain anymore, it is still hard to fully accept that he is gone. I don't have the momentary lapses of forgetting and start to phone him, as I have heard patients/clients tell me that they have done... but I lament the loss of future things. On the day of my ordination in October, it was barely 6 months since his death. I remember that I was nervous and I cried so much that my mother had to give me gravol to calm down. I remember I started crying in the shower and I thought of all the day, one of my dreams coming true. And I remember that I cried as I did at his funeral, because I knew that my father would not be at my ordination, he would not be at my wedding, he would never know my children, he would never see that I accomplished good things.. he would never see ...

And I still don't know who will walk me down the aisle at my wedding. My mother wants to, I have thought it would be nice to have my nieces do it, but they are young, I have asked if my sister's husband will do it. But I still don't know. We are embarrassed by our parents when we are younger, and we say I hope I never have to go through... whatever it is, but I would give anything for my father to be here on my wedding day. And he will be there.. but it's not the same.

Today's funeral was funny. I didn't realize that the man was so humorous. It is a twisted sense but good. We laughed so hard at the many things this man did, the joy that he brought to the world. And I remembered my father's funeral and what we said about him. And I thought about the things that were said about this man. I go to funerals for people that I may not know very well, and I cry. I cry at the story that has been lost to the world. And I also wonder .. how will the world remember me? What things will they say? There are some funerals you go to where there is not much that can be said. The person lived a troubled life, not that we are glad that they are gone, but they didn't seem to make a dynamic contribution to our society.... and there are others that contributed immensely in ways too deep to describe, in all things of their lives... Finances, professionally, and personally.

In the end, I wonder. How will the world remember me? What things will they say? It is challenging to the life that we hope to live today.

Remembering the good old TV...

Aaron Spelling is dead. He created a lot of shows... I remember some of them, but not all of them. I wonder at how some managed to stay on the air for so long, Beverly Hills 90210 lasted for 10 years!!! Those 30 year olds played teenager for SOO long... It is fun to watch the old shows. I am going to have to see about buying the old shows again.
Aaron's stuff
The Mod Squad 1975-79
Starsky and Hutch1976-81
Charlie's Angels1976-80
The Love Boat 1978-84
Fantasy Island 1981-89
Dynasty1983-88
Hotel1984-85
The Colbys 1989
Beverly Hills 90210 1992-
Melrose Place1994
Models, Inc.1995-
Savannah 1995-

But I would like to find other old shows like Facts of Life. When I asked my sweetie to find me this show, he looked at me like I was crazy. He had never heard!? of this show. It was around the same time as Jeffersons, Different Strokes, and Muppet Show

Of course we look at some of the things are wonder eh? I mean the clothes, the hair, the roller skates... Interesting stuff we grew up with huh?

What to do with RUDE people?

Today I met a rude man at the bus stop. We were waiting for a bus to take us over the bridge. I should have known he would be rude as he had been taking swigs from a Captain Morgan bottle and putting it back in his back pack. After waiting about 5 minutes, he asked if the bus comes soon. I asked how far he was going, as there was only one route. All other traffic has been diverted from Granville to a different block. I was trying to explain to him that to get where he wanted he should take a different bus on the other block, when my bus came. He gestured towards his mouth and asked how come I talk different the other people around here. I detected an accent, but I can't tell where it is from. I told him that I am not from here. Chicago is where I think he said he was from. I'm from th'Atlan'ic coast of this country, I said. He still went on about how I talked different from "other people he's met here". I know darn well he meant. he meant that I don't talk like "normal" people. It's not my accent he was talking about, it's my hearing problem.

Over the years, I have encountered people who ask about my hearing problem, rude or polite. I think it is the rude ones I remember the best. I have been asked why I talk weird, such as the incident I just described. I have been asked if I know sign language, to which I reply "No, because I don't know any one that is deaf." The first time I was asked this, I was waiting in a van for our group to go somewhere and one of the men there just blurted out "so do you know sign language?" No hello, my name is ... what's yours? just "do you know sign language?" When I said I did not, he said something like, oh, I figured you were either deaf or hearing impaired... (I later learned this man, who was later a friend, had a learning disability so not the best with tact eh?) Why do people feel the need to point it out like it is a flaw? It is a good way to make a bad day worse, depending on my mood.

(Btw, for those you who don't know... I have worn hearing aids since I was 4 due to severe hearing loss, that I assume was one result of my birth complications. I do not hear high pitches; birds, cell phones, pager, fire alarms, and certain female voices drive me insane to the point that I try to avoid them if I can. Consequently, I have learned to read lips as a way to get by. I hate people who mumble, or who have strong accents, or men with beards who mumble ... talk about frustrating. I have accepted the fact that I cannot hear things that I assume "normal" people can. I am thrilled to hear that "normal" people have similar problems, meaning it is not just me and my hearing.)

When I was appearing before the board for my ordination, I knew I was going to asked something about my hearing and how it affects my ministry. And of all things, it was a man in his late 30's who had a hearing aid!! Talk about irony. So I explained to them about how I learned that the one thing I wished and prayed to God that I could change, was actually a gift. The Curse was actually a great gift. I just had to figure out how to use it well. I then told them about my absolute terror at being placed in a nursing home for my practicums. I was so scared that I would not hear the older people... Catatonic and the like. I was actually able to use my "gift" to read the lips of the silent and connect with the people due to my hearing aid. I got such a kick out the look on the residents' faces when I would take out my hearing aid to explain what they claimed was "too hard to figure out the dials", and I would show them with my own. Their mouths would drop and I don't think they heard a work after I took mine out. I got a lot of "how old are you, child?", hearing the pity in their voice. I still have to do this from time to time with my current patients. At least it is not so odd to have me on staff as I have met 3 others with hearing aids, and we work on the same floor... oddly enough a geriatric ward!

I will probably forget about the rude man in a day or two, but I really wish people would think before they blurt stuff out.

In Their Shoes..

Can you imagine that one day you wake up and you aren't sure where you are? or who the people you see are? You look at their faces, and see familiar pictures but you don't know their names?

Some one has to help you do "simple things" like helping you get dressed, bring you food, or tell you when to eat, sleep or go to the bathroom? What that must feel like? not being able to do it for yourself? Not being able to remember steps of a familiar routine or process... Talk about scary and disorienting.

Welcome to the world of dementia, again and my work in Geriatrics. I sat with a woman today who told me that she doesn't really know why she is here.. she knows she is in the hospital and could tell me the right one, and that there reason she was there was because she had mental senility. (I have never heard of it described that way before ..) I asked her how she knew this? did someone tell her this? or did she feel that way? That she was senile? "Someone sort of told me and I kind of notice it myself." She went on .. "I feel so alone. I don't know where I'm going or coming... I don't what to do."

I remember when I first started working in geriatrics some 8 years ago. I was training in CPE (Clinical Pastoral Education) in a nursing home in Nova Scotia. I was terrified of older people. I had not grown up with my grandparents nearby, so I was unsure of what I would say to them. (Mostly I was worried that my hearing problem would BE a problem, or hindrance of my work, but that is a story for another time.) I remember the first woman I ever met there. I call her "Lillian". She was in the beginning stages of dementia. She knew that she was forgetting things.. like words, or common phrases... (but then don't we all from time to time.. I can't remember what/if I had for breakfast somedays) and it distressed her. To know that she was forgetting and realizing that there was very little she could do for herself.
Another colleague of mine told me about her "lady" that would look at the pictures in her room and go through all of them repeatedly and name all of the family members. After a while, she couldn't remember them. She knew they were her family or people she knew, but she didn't know exactly who. My friend was heartbroken to watch this mental decline.

Over the years, I have worked in long-term care. Since moving to Vancouver, I have started to work in acute care. From November 2002 until January 2004, I worked in a long-term care facility(LTC) or extended care (ECU). My colleague and I met many wonderful people, residents, family and staff. It is still hard to watch the decline of the mental capacities. And there are many issues that complicate geriatric life. As we are chaplains, my colleague would allude to the biblical verse about being lead where you do not wish to go. (John 21:18)

When I first began to work with dementia patients, I had a hard time. I would cry for my lady, Lillian, and it was hard for my soft heart to watch. (coincidentally, I had cold hands and had to warn people about
it. They would reply "Cold hands mean a warm heart".) I hated the fact that I cried to see this. But I shared their pain and the burden became mine along with the staff and family members. I said to my own mother one day, "Mom I hope you never loose your mind and have to go into a facility". Of course, it was not the proper time to tell her this as she was trying to do some chores and I remember her harried response, "Dear, I am not old yet. And I don't plan to be for a long time. So stop this talk about nursing homes." (This
may not be exactly what she said, but is the general gist of it.)

It is hard to see your parents get old. It is hard to watch people age and succumb to illnesses. This is part of my work. To walk with them in what they are going through. I cannot take on their pain, but at least they are not alone. I am there with them to share the burden, and to remind them that God is with them too.

Canadian? What's in a name?

So the CBC is dumping it's staple, The National, in favor of American programming. So what else is new? My paper's headline said, CBC should drop Hockey Night in Canada. ?!? What? I don't watch the show, but I know that many of my friends (and dad used to) do, so I think that might cause an uproar. The problem is that we Canadians try to copy our Southern neighbors in too many things. Being "Distinctly Canadian" nowadays .. well what does that mean?




There is a definite characteristic on a national level, but it is still defined differently depending on where you are from in Canada. Maritimers, such as myself, will say it is about community, farming/fishing, and knowing how to hold your liquor. Kitchen parties, knowing pretty much EVERY one you meet, and knowing ALL their business "because that's Jimmy's cousin's sister's husband's mother's something something... ". He's my 4th cousin!" (Ok I exaggerate, but when your friend tells you that she and her brothers are really 5th cousins, doesn't that throw you for a loop?)
But here in the West, there is a lot of multiculturalism. I wonder.. tv shows show Lady Liberty and talk about the 'American Dream'... is there a Canadian dream?

Our politics are a joke, no one aspires to be the Prime minister eh? We are very good at making fun of ourselves.. look at comedy shows on CBC... Air Farce, 22 minutes, Just for Laughs... we rock. But that's about all I see on CBC nowadays as worthwhile. And how really talks about Canadian celebrities.. They've all migrated South. Shatner, Jim Carrey, Michael J. Fox, Dave Foley, you name a Canadian celebrity and chances are.. they live in the States.

So CBC is bumping the National... figures.

When patients go AWOL

Yesterday, when I left the hospital. I saw a man on the sidewalk wearing the standard hospital gown, well 2, one to cover the back and one to cover the front.

He was coming out the the ER and carrying the "Patient Garment" bag. He crossed the street at the crosswalk and I don't know where he went. I have often seen patients, usually men, standing in hospital gowns, with no shoes, bags of stuff, waiting on the other side of the road at the bus stop. I have also seen security outside.. looking for patients, or patrolling to keep the squatters off the benches. The problem is that once a patient leaves the hospital property, we, the medical staff, can't do anything about it. Also, I don't know these men, they may be aggressive, have mental issues, etc.

It is a hard place to be.. we talk about dignity and respect. Freedom of choice.. but are they making the right one.. are they rational enough to do so. What is "good care" of this person at this point?

5 People you meet in Heaven

My book club is doing 5 People you meet in Heaven. I bought this book a long time ago and they recently had it on TV again. So let's talk about this book. It is by the same writer who wrote "Tuesdays with Morrie" also made into a movie. This book is about Eddie, who works at an amusement park and dies in a freak accident. He is a grumpy old man who is mad at a lot of things, and mostly mad because he feels he never accomplished much with his life. He didn't go anywhere, didn't achieve awards, didn't really leave the place he grew up except to go to war. In Heaven, he meets 5 people who explain certain events about his life, and this is supposed to help him understand why some things happened the way they did.

The book is interesting and I underlined different parts (in pencil of course!)

Oh I have to digress for a minute though. You know how you start singing in your head.. well I have been singing a song I learned at camp I think...

Heaven is a wonderful place, filled with His Glory and grace, I want to see my Savior's face. heaven is a wonderful place.

New hats!!

Of course you want to see my new hats!! I wore them both today. I wore the pink one to church as it is definitely what I consider a "church hat", and the other one to the church picnic. I have had the blue one for a month, but bought the pink one 2 weeks sgo. This was the first time I wore the pink one.

Kiss the Blog

I found this site http://www.youmaynowkisstheblog.com/ yesterday. It was attached to my emails from Oprah re: her shows of interest. I never watch Oprah anymore. ( I can't figure out when/where she is on and her shows are getting dumb. ) But this blog... check out the animation sequences... I particularly LOOOVEE "the Proposal" and "Bridesmaid" sequences, and her latest "the dress".

Thank goodness it is Friday!! I think I have been spending too much time there. And next week, I am on call.. so who knows what I will end up with. This morning was definitely an indictation though. I awoke from a dream that I was getting prepped, needles and all, for a transplant. I remember asking the medical team, my medical team that I work with, if this was necessary as I didn't remember any of this. I didn't remember needing one, I didn't even know if I was donating or recieiving a transplant. But in my dream, I was assured by one of the doctors that it was in deed necessary and we have talked about this before. I was still sceptical, but let them prep me. I just wasn't too keen on the needles and that they were trying to put on in my forehead!! Where that idea came from I have NO idea, but man... that was some dream. It did not help that I constantly woken by the rattling of my window in the rainy night, nor did it help that there was male voice fighting at 3am!!

So now it is Friday. I have had an interesting week to say the least. I will write more about that later. And... I have more boxes so that I can start the packing/purging process. I move in 2 months!! And the wedding is even before that!!

Stuck

We have been facing a major situation at work.
Oneof the units has a GI outbreak .. Norwalkish and hence this unit cannot admit new people or discharge, unless the patient is going home. So the surgeries are being cancelled because there is no place to put them. No beds. No beds emptying, no bed to put people into. So these beds block ortho beds, that block medical beds, that block ... someone. Everyone has cancelled surgeries, except for Cardiac!! and the ICU is full so where are we supposed to put these people?! Then we get people "clean" from the bug, only to have someone else with the "bug" and then we can't discharge and the cycle continues. Hmm... Stuck. Like you wouldn't believe.

Is THAT what it is ..?

So the Parks Board in Vancouver has these sculptures all over the place. Most of them are in Stanley Park and the Waterfront area. They are "In your Face" as per the Vancouver Sun article of May 26, 2006. I'll say...
If you didn't see the title, they make NO sense. HOW?? does this beautify our parks? I suppose beauty is in the eye of the beholder...

Look in the mirror, tell me what you see...

So the story continues... the first visit with my patient was awful. For so many reasons. There was nothing I could do for him, say to him, that would help on Thursday. But Friday's visit was better. I sat with him for an hour and half. He is dealing with a lot of stuff, but in the end, it came down to this ... "when you look in the mirror, tell me , what do you see?" He saw a man that was bad and did so many horrible things in his life that he couldn't get past it. He didn't tell me the illegal things he'd done, and I don't want to know. He'd say " I know it here (in his head) that God forgives me for what I have done, but why? Why does God bother with me? ... I know he forgives me, but I can't forgive myself. "

I have a hard time with visits some days, because I am not the type that knows the Bible backwards and forwards. I can't quote things appropriate for the moment, I don't pray with them unless they ask. I do not like people shoving their practices on me, hence I do not do the same to them. But I did say to him... that God loves us like children, because we are his children, we are created by him and he knows us so well.

My patient alluded to the fact that when he picked up his Bible and opened it randomly, it came to Psalm 139:13...

"For you created my inmost being, you knit me together in my mother's womb ... 15 My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. "

and it hurt to read these words because of the way he saw himself, thought about himself. How can God think about him so well, when he couldn't love himself?

In the end, isn't that what really is wrong with humanity? We tend to have a negative self-image, as Christians, because we are taught the emphasis on humility, versus pride. It is hard to have a balance. (Philippians 2: 3 says "do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves.") This is hard to do.

It was a good hour with my patient, and we were wrapping up when I was told my a nurse that there was a minister outside waiting to see him. Remember the day before? He was upset because the minister from his church wouldn't come see him? I will check in on Tuesday to see how that visit went.

The past week was hard, but I think that in the end, God did good work through me that day.

How to feel like a Princess... or... I PUT ON MY DRESS TODAY!!

I put on

my dress today!!!

Of course this is not it... but that is how I felt!! Like a princess!! The woman who fitted me for my dress in January is no longer there, but she had written on the receipt that I get a free veil. Luckily, the current staff are going to honor that and I got to pick out a veil. $200 worth for free!! It is Ivory like my dress and laced with crystals and pearls... I love it. It is not a blusher as I originally thought I wanted, but I am not 20 .... so it is better for me.

I brought my shoes that I intend to wear and the women made me walk around to see whether I wanted it hemmed. I am tall enough that I don't need it, nor do I want a bustle. I think it would look weird. *Sigh* Of course, this is not my Cinderella dress of dreams... nor is there a cathedral length train on the dress or veil. But I love it..

Now I really have to hit the gym.. and work on my flabby arms. I have lost a dress size since my original choosing of this dress and I can try to do more. I was alone when I picked it and I was alone when I saw it again. I did ask them to take a picture for me so I can send it to my mom. I'm so pleased with myself that it is a surprise as normally I am not good at keeping good news to myself!!

On Friday, the "inlaws" are coming and we will all go see OUR house again. I can't wait to move in!! Too many exciting things happening .... how can I focus on work?

Can you say Busy?

Today seemed like a day from hell. I was the only person at work in my department so I had to field calls from 5 places in 30 minutes for referals and one BIG MESS. The mess related to who is Next of Kin and is allowed to make decisions about a patient, living or deceased. Oh ugly ugly stuff. We have it sorted out for now, but I have a feeling there will be more on this end. I hope I didn't say or do anything that I wasn't supposed to... Life is certainly a learning experience and SOMETIMES I don't want it!!!

Some days I hate my job

Today was NOT a good day. Can you say stress? I spent my morning catching up/checking in with various patients of mine all over the hospital. This was done in between rounds and I never got back to my office to sort out necessary paperwork that I need for a meeting tomorrow until 11:30 or so.

I got involved with a case whereby a patient of mine got admitted to ICU unexpectedly and is not expected to make it. I know her friends personally and ended up phoning them at about 4pm to tell them to come to the hospital tonight to say goodbye if they wanted the chance to do this. She is not likely to wake up and not expected to survive very long.

I distracted myself by finally cleaning my messy desk. I had soo much stuff on it, I could remember what color it was!! Papers and books and a huge binder full of the information that I need for tomorrow's meeting for which there are no minutes despite my hunting for them, and I have had numerous people drop out of the meeting after they had RSVped that they would come. I am very thrilled to have gotten the speaker from my church. He is an Internationally known speaker on the topic of dealing with Stress, hence we are getting him as a favor to me. He is intrigued by the group and the work we do so he wanted to do this, despite the fact that we SOO cannot afford him.

The ICU thing was hard. Meeting the family for the first time in these circumstances. I do not like to do this. And the situation sucks. It is interesting though because her friend/family member was saying that they are sad to see this happen, and they have been in this place before because my patient has been in dire straits before. And they rejoice because she will go home to heaven. They will celebrate this woman's life while mourning their loss. It is hard to know what to say/do. It is hard to watch. Some days I hate my job.

Ever have a "blond" moment?

Okay. So I was late for this service I was doing and so I picked up the phone and called a cab company. Then I was put on hold, so I called a different one with my cell phone and when one picked up I hung up the other. Found my shoes, ran out the door and got to the service in time for rehearsal with choir. I reached into my pocket ... and what did I find?

My home phone!!! as well as my cell phone.

I had hung up the home phone, put it in my pocket and left with it!! This is by far the most bizarre thing I have done of the scatterbrain nature!! Enjoy the laugh. I shared with most of my friends present.

New Hat!!

I bought a new hat today. My mother and I were shopping for her dress for my wedding. She did not get one, but I found a new "Spring" hat!! I love it! and can't wait to wear it.

I love hats. Ever since Lady Di wore them, but of course.. the Queen of hats was Audrey Hepburn. Wearing hats is not so in vogue as it used to be. People don't really wear clothes with the flare of the last century. I lament this.