This is an article published in today's edition of the Vancouver Sun. It relates to my renal unit and the work that I do. It tells a bit about what the donors go through with the process of donating a kidney. There are more live donor transplants then cadaveric (deceased) donors. Relatives or friends get tired of seeing their loved one suffering through the process and pain of dialysis that they agree to be tested and give a kidney. There are often guilt issues that result with this process. It is not always a guarantee that the transplant will be successful, as you read below, and I wonder about how the persons involved feel about this. How the recipient feels, putting their hope on this transplant only to have it not work and now there are 2 people that don't have working kidneys...(the donor has given up a working kidney and now only has one), and the guilt they feel. The disappointment the recipient has, or the anger the donor might feel. Often the persons donating are family or known to each other, but it is rare that there may be an anonymous donor.

The article is talking about social justice. The fact that the government will focus on giving free drugs to addicts, but won't assist with live giving operations... Irony indeed.

Kidney donor puts job on hold to help chum
Woman could benefit from new plan that helps with costs of donating
Glenn Bohn, Vancouver Sun
Published: Thursday, July 20, 2006

Brenda Cote of Burnaby found a friend who is willing to donate the kidney that Cote desperately needs to stay alive-Jo Wright, a self-described "tough chick" who lives in the West Kootenay town of Nelson, is willing to sacrifice one of her two kidneys, but she doesn't think it's right that she should also have to foot the cost for lost wages, travel expenses and other bills. A new $300,000-a-year program announced Wednesday by the Kidney Foundation of Canada and the BC Transplant Society is aimed at helping Wright and other live donors of kidneys or livers.The three-year B.C. pilot program will compensate donors for reasonable out-of-pocket travel and accommodation costs, as well as lost wages. The two non-profit groups say the initiative makes B.C. the first jurisdiction in Canada and North America to reimburse living donors for expenses related to organ donations. A living donor faces big expenses in a pricey place like Vancouver, where all organ transplants in B.C. are performed. And the sacrifice doesn't end after the operation. Living kidney donors may have to stop working for six to eight weeks; the recovery time for liver donors is longer, usually eight to 12 weeks.Wright, who will be eligible for compensation under the new program, has already put out money for her altruistic offer, even though she hasn't gone into an operation room and doesn't yet know when that might happen."I'm putting my job on hold and raising two teenagers on my own, but I'm determined not to worry about the money and just focus on the fact that I may be able to help," Wright said during a telephone interview from Nelson. Last week, Wright went to Vancouver for the final round of tests needed to determine whether she would be a suitable donor for her friend. Wright drove to Vancouver instead of flying to save money, but estimates she's out about $500 because of costs and lost wages for the three days of work she missed. She left Nelson in the evening and drove at night, to keep the number of missed work days to a minimum."There's been a little bit of wear and tear but I'm a tough chick or I wouldn't take this on," Wright said.Then she made a pointed reference to a Vancouver medical study that offers free heroin to selected addicts: "The thing that really burned my britches is that I can go to Vancouver and get a free shot of heroin, but I can't get help to take someone off a medical dependency list."Cote, 43, had a kidney transplant in 1987 and subsequently gave birth to her daughter Erin, now 13.But she's been back on a life-saving kidney dialysis machine for several years and she needs another kidney transplant.Cote said Wright was willing to donate a kidney last November but she had just started a new job and didn't have the money at that time to go to Vancouver and take time off after the operation. "She would have come in a heartbeat, if she was able," said Cote, who has been on an official list for a transplant for two years.The Living Donor Expense Reimbursement Program was outlined Wednesday at a Vancouver news conference. Half of the $300,000 annual budget for the three-year pilot program comes from the B.C. government, through the Provincial Health Services Authority, which is matching contributions from pharmaceutical companies. The province says it expects to recoup its $150,000 contribution within five years because additional live kidney transplants should reduce dialysis costs.

gbohn@png.canwest.com- -

-The gift of life

Some facts about kidney transplants in B.C.-

The first living donor kidney transplant in B.C. occurred in 1976.- Since then, there have been 862 living donor transplants.

- Each year, there are twice as many living donor transplants as transplants from deceased donors.- Almost 300 B.C. residents are now waiting for a kidney transplant.

- Depending on blood type, the wait for a transplant from a deceased donor could be as long as eight to 10 years.

- On average, about five or six per cent of the people in need of a transplant die while they are on the waiting list.

Sources: BC Transplant Society (www.transplant.bc.ca) and Kidney Foundation of Canada (www.kidney.ca)

Things we don't like to think about until we have to .. but then it is usually too late.

I will be the first to admit guilt..that while this comes up from time to time, I do not like to think about this either. I hope that after sweetie and I are settled into married life, that when we look at the important papers, this will be one of them. Advanced Health directives or DNR orders or living wills, as people call them, are important for everyone. But no one wants to write one. It's that "what if" that no one really wants to think about... like "what if ... I had an amputation, what if I lost my job, what if my spouse left me, what if I was told I had a fatal diagnosis and there was no cure...." No one really wants to face this, until we do. It is things like a funeral, or some other story in the news that sparks our thoughts on "that which we do not wish to think about ..." . Sometimes it is easy to turn off the TV and think about something else, and at other times we can't. The Terry Schiavo case sparked great debate on a national and international level. Where I work in the hospital I see/hear horror stories of 70 or 90 year old patients brought in yet again, and because there is no health directive, they are given CPR (a procedure that can be long and actually breaks ribs..) and are intubated. "Is this what Grandma/mom wants?" To be kept alive on a respirator, and when/if she wakes up will have to go through pain and struggle through rehab. Would she want this? Maybe she does.
In the end, I think it comes down to one question. At what point, do I think that my quality of life will suffer? How much pain is too much? At what point do I stop enjoying my life?
There are different levels of intervention. i.e comfort care only, intermediate care, or full treatment. There's even different ones if you are in the community versus a facility.

So if someone does not have an advance directive, and let's say they have a bad stroke or a car accident and it doesn't look very good for the outcome, the family is often asked what to do. In ICU, this often is the case. We (medical team) aren't asking you (family) to "pull the plug". In the end, it is the medical team that determines the prognosis and the course of treatment. But if it looks good for recovery but the patient will have severe to moderate side effects/trauma, it may be that the individual would not want to live this way. Although there is nothing on paper, someone might know that this is what s/he wants. Or it may be that family are in too much shock to process what is going on. The written directive is a guide to medical team, is a way for a person to speak when they verbally aren't able to.

True, there is always a chance that things change. That the person thought one thing but when a trauma hits they change their minds. Like my lady who died in February. She was a very strong personality, but when it came down to it. She said "you know, despite what I seem to say.. I have decided that this pain is too great for me. That living this life of dialysis every other days, not sleeping in a bed because I'm in pain... I've decided enough is enough. This is no life for me." Or when you decide you would rather not be resuscitated, you may have the "near-death" experience and decide that you aren't ready to meet your Maker. It is possible, but then, isn't it still better to think about these things before you really have to.. and then it is too late?

Words we say ..

The "How are you?" question has been a challenge for my ministry. It is a question that rolls off my tongue as I am a Maritimer (Eastern Canada). We ask "Hi. how are you?" as a greeting. Sometimes, it is in passing, sometimes in concern. I was reading another blog. It brought to mind one of the first clients/residents I had in my Clinical chaplaincy training. One of my residents said to me..."do you really want to know?" I remember telling her, "of course I do, I wouldn't ask if I didn't mean it". That was a learning moment for me. To learn the value of the words we say.

Themes that surface...

Have you ever been going through your daily life and you're struck by this realization? There are themes that repeat. Subtle at first and then they yell at you in the face. I wonder about these things... is it that your journey of life, that is just what happens to surface.. what you are focused on? or is it because God says you need to learn this lesson? Have you ever had to learn a "lesson" more than once? .. because you didn't "get it" the first time. That used to happen a lot when I was younger, and I would look up at the sky and say "Sorry God. Did it again didn't I? I'll try to do better."

Well the theme that seems to come up in my work right now is family dynamics. Yesterday I listened to a woman tell me that her family doesn't care about her. They are too busy with their lives and family isn't important to them. It is hard to know what to say as there is obviously conflicting ideas of living. She is "Old World" and cooked for her family and looked after them. Doesn't understand why they don't have the same ethic. I wonder how much is that she is lonely as her husband has died and her identity was likely looking after her family, and how much is that she isn't able to let go and let her children live their lives. That is a hard thing about being a parent.. family. Letting go and letting the children live their lives and make their own mistakes.

Today, I heard another longtime client was talking about her children. One of them blames her for everything that is wrong and the other has drug problems showing up only when it is convenient or when they can get money. It is hard to throw a child out of the house, but sometimes necessary. There are also cultural issues that I wonder about as well. In every generation, we are considered a product of the generation past. You have likely heard or said "I hope I never become my parent" and then later we hear something come out of our mouth or see ourselves do something and shriek in horror.

The thing about hearing the "story" or concerns of one's family is I am only hearing one side. I don't know what the "family" experience is. I asked the second person about possible responsibility that she may have in the actions/inactions of her family. She is willing to concede some of her part of this story. The irony is that is so easy to critique when one is not involved.. but when it is YOUR family or situation, that is harder. When I heard the story yesterday, I felt guilt that I do not write to my grandparents enough, and wondered at how my family sees my function/role in the family.

It is a life-long struggle. We seek to belong and when we are secure, we seek to find our own identity away from our structured environment. That is what we do as children. We develop attachment to our parents and we are affected by the type of attachment we have. Love is an essential need for any child. A child needs to feel loved and cared for to feel secure. If they do not form attachments or felt secure, they are affected in their development This is according to Erik Erikson's theory of development. He posited that every stage is affected by the previous one. Once we have gained that security, we attempt to break from that to determine/find our own way. This is typically adolescence, early 20's. The problem is, that as parents, it is hard to watch our children make mistakes and suffer failure. We want to protect them. But sometimes we over do and the child isn't able to develop a sense of autonomy or has unhealthy dependence on the parent. It is a complex web.. and hard to balance. When to pull and when to let go. So many times, I want to tell my patients what I think they should do.. my opinion. But I can't do this due to the type of counseling we offer. We can't say as chaplains or pastoral care professionals that we think they are being idiots and we wish that they would smarten up. But we can love them and help as we are able. Sometimes we have to let them fail before they succeed. And sometimes it is easier to say what we think, then to do.

Image.. is it so important? Part 2

When I was first told that I was going to be a chaplain in a nursing home, I said No thanks. My idea of a chaplain was
that guy from MASH. No thanks, did not need to be associated with the blumbling character like him. Since moving here from the East Coast to the West Coast, I have had to deal with changes and different ideas of how things are done, but image is one thing I can't get over. It is bad enough that I have a hard time to find clothes that fit. Everything seems to be made for women that are size 0-2, which I am not. But the office places are not as business oriented as I am used to. Here, everyone is so casual. Even at church. People show up in sandals, open toe shoes, t-shirts, jeans, shorts, you name it. I have often been asked if I am one of the doctors because doctors do not tend to dress in suits as they used to. It is up to individual taste/style nowadays. It is very rare that I see a man wearing a tie at work. When I do, it is usually an older man who is likely a doctor.

When I introduce my self as chaplain, as this is the most common word/understanding, I suppose that patients aren't expecting me to look as I do. I am young, I am blond, and I don't look like a nun.


No, instead I am mistaken for medical or administrative personnel. I suppose that one would assume in a Catholic facility that one would be visited by a nun. That is if you understand the tradition. But instead
they get me and my colleagues.I tend to dress more formally. And my
patients have expectations I guess, of what a "chaplain"
should look like, act like, etc. So when I walk in the room dressed in
my usual style ..


Well they are a little surprised that this is what the chaplain, pastoral care worker looks like.. Well you know what? We are all God's people, just that there are certain expectations with certain positions. How one should act, dress or talk... we have certain expectations about what a doctor is to do, what a sales clerk is to do.. role responsibility is understood, but it is difficult sometimes to gauge as the standards change. In my line of work, it is not known what an individual's experience with organized religion has been and hence there are certain expectations about what the "religious" or "holy person" is supposed to be like. Not easy when you don't fit the mold. Some people embrace my "uniqueness" while others are wary. This still a work in progress. I am basically telling my staff and my patients that I am as God made me, and this is a good thing. God loves us as we are, but we must love and own that too. Still working on this.. but loving who I have become.

Image .. is it so important.. ? Part 1

So let's talk about image... What is a "pastoral image"? or "pastoral identity"? One definition is

Pastoral Identity - Increased self-awareness and participation in the community process of pastoral participation in the community process of pastoral identity formation through sharing of personal stories

Pastoral identity is largely wrapped up in the issue of authority. I'm not talking about the "do as I say" authority, but rather the authority given by the education or position that one holds. We given certain person authority simply on the merit of their position.. doctors, lawyers, mothers, police, teachers.. and the list goes on. The authority of that person is partly earned, and sometimes given. Nowadays, it seems that our society has little respect for various positions due to the problems with systems. Healthcare is failing, education/class room sizes are suffering, the law has good days and bad.. the same goes for the Church.

The Church or faith traditions don't seem to hold the same respect as they did in days gone by. True, change is inevitable and necessary. The Church has failed to change with the times and in some cases has been the leader in establishing change. (Unfortunately, these innovations were taken over and "owned" by other groups.) One such "innovation" or change that I heard put forth by the Church occurred in my faith based hospital. It used to be operated by nuns. It was the nuns that decided to take in and treat the patients afflicted by AIDS. It was also our hospital that took in the SARS victims as well. Taking the "untouchables". But I'm getting into a new topic.

Let me start with my first introduction to the word "pastoral identity". My first year of my Masters degree was a year of liberation for me in many ways. I was free from scrutiny of family and others who might "report" my actions to my parents. We laugh about it now, but my friends will remind me that I used to dress unbecoming of the profession to which I aspired. I believe one of my guy friends said that when he first saw me, he wondered if "that girl knew where she was. This was the seminary... and you dressed like.." like I going to the bar, or clubbing. One of my colleagues, (we went to the seminary together and later work in the same office. She spoke at my ordination and will officiate at my wedding) said it best. "You looked like a hooker." Our CPE supervisor tried for 2 years to pound into me what pastoral identity meant, and the impact that it had on my ministry. As far as I was concerned, I was still me. Why did I have to put on a false self to minister? Why couldn't I be myself and still be a minister?
Of course we know the answer to that. You can be yourself. You have to learn to censor your full thoughts.. There are some things that cannot be said or done, especially nowadays with the whole sexual harassment laws, scandals and all. ANYthing can be miscontrued and people, even the Church, get sued.

Now that I am ordained. There is even more scrutiny of my behavior. People that I work with, attend church with, people I don't even know will feel it their duty to point out my shortcomings. The fact that I am a Baptist minister working in a Catholic organization, the fact that I am in the sometimes misunderstood profession of chaplaincy, the fact that I am a woman and not allowed to call myself a Chaplain, and the fact that I am me, I don't fit the stereotypes of "what a chaplain is supposed to be like... all of these things frustrate me immensely. Some days it is hard to forget the politics and just do my work. (breathe)

There are times when I know that my presence is valued by my patients. But I sometimes wonder if they understand it all. Am I there as chaplain..Pastorall presence to them, representing God, or am I there as friend? Lines tend to blur when you do the indepth work of pastoral care/counseling. There are funny times/moments and not so fun moments;when I have to talk to people about dying, be it their loved one or their own death, when I meet patients who are entering the world of dialysis and organ failure, when I talk to the man who feels his life when end because the medical team has to amputate toes, or limbs to save their life. The irony of some of the relationships established with patients is that I am the chaplain, I bring God to their life, but often these people are not of the same faith tradition. I had a Jewish lady that was in hospital for a long time. She would get upset if I did not come at lest every second day to see her.

I had an Aboriginal woman who was an ecclecticc mix of Anglican, Buddhist and nativespiritualityy wrapped into one. When I told her that I was to be ordained as a minister in the Baptist Church, she laughed!! Belly aching, loud laugh. Everyone in the dialysis room stared at us. I was mortified!

"YOU? A minister? OH that makes me laugh." she said. "Yes I see that" I replied. "Why is that so hard to believe?" Her response was "Honey, you don't fit the bill. You don't look like one, you don't act like one, and you certainly don't TALK like one." "I can fix that if you would like." I told her. "God, no!" She gave me this look like death. "oh no," she says. "You do that, and I won't talk to you anymore. You are real, you see. Not stuffy and pretentious like some of them ministers I meet." I looked at her.. "so this is a good thing for you? that I am not what you thought a chaplain should be.." "oh yes, oh yes honey. You better believe it". She then went on to tell me of her bad experiences with the Church. I still don't know what she really thought of my ministry. I did walk with her throughout her time with us until her death earlier this year, but I will always wonder what she really thought.

In the end, I would like to pose the question. How much of the pastoral identity has to be owned and how much has to be earned?

Demi did it better ...

Oh my goodness.. What are celebrities thinking sometimes? Britney is on the cover of a magazine au natural while complaining to paparazzi to leave her family alone. Pul...leeze. If you do things and you are in the public eye, expect scrutiny. Despite the fact that it caused controversy even then, I prefer Demi's cover.

Fire!!

I wonder what the guy was thinking when he came home and found his door broken down, charring of his watersoaked apartment...

So this afternoon, when I got home. All I could think was that someone was burning rubber, or BBQing really badly. I was on my way to a friend's place for a group get-together and when I got out of the elevator, there were three firemen standing in our lobby. That would explain the pounding on a door that my fellow tenants and I heard near the 5th floor. So we decided we should wait to see what comes of this. Odd that this occured while I was home, there was no firealarm, so I wonder who called them.

I went outside to see what was going on.. and I looked up at the action. There was a fireman on a balcony of the 3rd floor and smoke pouring out of the window of the apartment. So I called my friend to say I'd be a bit late. Why? There's a fire in my building and the firemen broke the door down. Really? when? uh, about 2 minutes ago. But I'm on my way now...

So when I got back just now, there was a locksmith who told me where it was.. Someone left a pot on the stove. The place still reeks, but not as bad.

Quotes from the Blue Man ...

I went to a funeral today for a choir member. Shortly after sitting down, I wanted to bolt out of there. It was the first funeral, in a church, that I had been to since dad. It is hard to say goodbye to people even if you didn't really know them. It is still hard to believe that dad is gone. While sitting there, I remembered the words of the Blue Man from the book 5 people you meet in heaven. He said

"my funeral. Look a the mourners. Some did not even know me well, yet they came. Why? Did you ever wonder why? Why people gather when others die? Why people feel they should?
It is because the human spirit knows, deep down, that all lives intersect. That death doesn't just take someone, it misses someone else, and in the small distance between being taken and being missed, lives are changed. ... We think such things are random. But there is a balance to it all. One withers, another grows. Birth and death are part of a whole. It is why we are drawn to babies .. and to funerals."

That is why I stayed at the funeral. There is a recognition of the story of the life lived. The loss of yet another beautiful soul We are all affected by what is and what is not. I have learned in my work to deal with grief related to death, grief related to losses of life -- jobs, independence, dreams... The irony is that the closer you are the person who dies, the harder it is for you when you grieve. Despite the fact that it has been little over a year, and I knew my father was very sick, and I know he is not suffering and not in pain anymore, it is still hard to fully accept that he is gone. I don't have the momentary lapses of forgetting and start to phone him, as I have heard patients/clients tell me that they have done... but I lament the loss of future things. On the day of my ordination in October, it was barely 6 months since his death. I remember that I was nervous and I cried so much that my mother had to give me gravol to calm down. I remember I started crying in the shower and I thought of all the day, one of my dreams coming true. And I remember that I cried as I did at his funeral, because I knew that my father would not be at my ordination, he would not be at my wedding, he would never know my children, he would never see that I accomplished good things.. he would never see ...

And I still don't know who will walk me down the aisle at my wedding. My mother wants to, I have thought it would be nice to have my nieces do it, but they are young, I have asked if my sister's husband will do it. But I still don't know. We are embarrassed by our parents when we are younger, and we say I hope I never have to go through... whatever it is, but I would give anything for my father to be here on my wedding day. And he will be there.. but it's not the same.

Today's funeral was funny. I didn't realize that the man was so humorous. It is a twisted sense but good. We laughed so hard at the many things this man did, the joy that he brought to the world. And I remembered my father's funeral and what we said about him. And I thought about the things that were said about this man. I go to funerals for people that I may not know very well, and I cry. I cry at the story that has been lost to the world. And I also wonder .. how will the world remember me? What things will they say? There are some funerals you go to where there is not much that can be said. The person lived a troubled life, not that we are glad that they are gone, but they didn't seem to make a dynamic contribution to our society.... and there are others that contributed immensely in ways too deep to describe, in all things of their lives... Finances, professionally, and personally.

In the end, I wonder. How will the world remember me? What things will they say? It is challenging to the life that we hope to live today.

Remembering the good old TV...

Aaron Spelling is dead. He created a lot of shows... I remember some of them, but not all of them. I wonder at how some managed to stay on the air for so long, Beverly Hills 90210 lasted for 10 years!!! Those 30 year olds played teenager for SOO long... It is fun to watch the old shows. I am going to have to see about buying the old shows again.
Aaron's stuff
The Mod Squad 1975-79
Starsky and Hutch1976-81
Charlie's Angels1976-80
The Love Boat 1978-84
Fantasy Island 1981-89
Dynasty1983-88
Hotel1984-85
The Colbys 1989
Beverly Hills 90210 1992-
Melrose Place1994
Models, Inc.1995-
Savannah 1995-

But I would like to find other old shows like Facts of Life. When I asked my sweetie to find me this show, he looked at me like I was crazy. He had never heard!? of this show. It was around the same time as Jeffersons, Different Strokes, and Muppet Show

Of course we look at some of the things are wonder eh? I mean the clothes, the hair, the roller skates... Interesting stuff we grew up with huh?

What to do with RUDE people?

Today I met a rude man at the bus stop. We were waiting for a bus to take us over the bridge. I should have known he would be rude as he had been taking swigs from a Captain Morgan bottle and putting it back in his back pack. After waiting about 5 minutes, he asked if the bus comes soon. I asked how far he was going, as there was only one route. All other traffic has been diverted from Granville to a different block. I was trying to explain to him that to get where he wanted he should take a different bus on the other block, when my bus came. He gestured towards his mouth and asked how come I talk different the other people around here. I detected an accent, but I can't tell where it is from. I told him that I am not from here. Chicago is where I think he said he was from. I'm from th'Atlan'ic coast of this country, I said. He still went on about how I talked different from "other people he's met here". I know darn well he meant. he meant that I don't talk like "normal" people. It's not my accent he was talking about, it's my hearing problem.

Over the years, I have encountered people who ask about my hearing problem, rude or polite. I think it is the rude ones I remember the best. I have been asked why I talk weird, such as the incident I just described. I have been asked if I know sign language, to which I reply "No, because I don't know any one that is deaf." The first time I was asked this, I was waiting in a van for our group to go somewhere and one of the men there just blurted out "so do you know sign language?" No hello, my name is ... what's yours? just "do you know sign language?" When I said I did not, he said something like, oh, I figured you were either deaf or hearing impaired... (I later learned this man, who was later a friend, had a learning disability so not the best with tact eh?) Why do people feel the need to point it out like it is a flaw? It is a good way to make a bad day worse, depending on my mood.

(Btw, for those you who don't know... I have worn hearing aids since I was 4 due to severe hearing loss, that I assume was one result of my birth complications. I do not hear high pitches; birds, cell phones, pager, fire alarms, and certain female voices drive me insane to the point that I try to avoid them if I can. Consequently, I have learned to read lips as a way to get by. I hate people who mumble, or who have strong accents, or men with beards who mumble ... talk about frustrating. I have accepted the fact that I cannot hear things that I assume "normal" people can. I am thrilled to hear that "normal" people have similar problems, meaning it is not just me and my hearing.)

When I was appearing before the board for my ordination, I knew I was going to asked something about my hearing and how it affects my ministry. And of all things, it was a man in his late 30's who had a hearing aid!! Talk about irony. So I explained to them about how I learned that the one thing I wished and prayed to God that I could change, was actually a gift. The Curse was actually a great gift. I just had to figure out how to use it well. I then told them about my absolute terror at being placed in a nursing home for my practicums. I was so scared that I would not hear the older people... Catatonic and the like. I was actually able to use my "gift" to read the lips of the silent and connect with the people due to my hearing aid. I got such a kick out the look on the residents' faces when I would take out my hearing aid to explain what they claimed was "too hard to figure out the dials", and I would show them with my own. Their mouths would drop and I don't think they heard a work after I took mine out. I got a lot of "how old are you, child?", hearing the pity in their voice. I still have to do this from time to time with my current patients. At least it is not so odd to have me on staff as I have met 3 others with hearing aids, and we work on the same floor... oddly enough a geriatric ward!

I will probably forget about the rude man in a day or two, but I really wish people would think before they blurt stuff out.

In Their Shoes..

Can you imagine that one day you wake up and you aren't sure where you are? or who the people you see are? You look at their faces, and see familiar pictures but you don't know their names?

Some one has to help you do "simple things" like helping you get dressed, bring you food, or tell you when to eat, sleep or go to the bathroom? What that must feel like? not being able to do it for yourself? Not being able to remember steps of a familiar routine or process... Talk about scary and disorienting.

Welcome to the world of dementia, again and my work in Geriatrics. I sat with a woman today who told me that she doesn't really know why she is here.. she knows she is in the hospital and could tell me the right one, and that there reason she was there was because she had mental senility. (I have never heard of it described that way before ..) I asked her how she knew this? did someone tell her this? or did she feel that way? That she was senile? "Someone sort of told me and I kind of notice it myself." She went on .. "I feel so alone. I don't know where I'm going or coming... I don't what to do."

I remember when I first started working in geriatrics some 8 years ago. I was training in CPE (Clinical Pastoral Education) in a nursing home in Nova Scotia. I was terrified of older people. I had not grown up with my grandparents nearby, so I was unsure of what I would say to them. (Mostly I was worried that my hearing problem would BE a problem, or hindrance of my work, but that is a story for another time.) I remember the first woman I ever met there. I call her "Lillian". She was in the beginning stages of dementia. She knew that she was forgetting things.. like words, or common phrases... (but then don't we all from time to time.. I can't remember what/if I had for breakfast somedays) and it distressed her. To know that she was forgetting and realizing that there was very little she could do for herself.
Another colleague of mine told me about her "lady" that would look at the pictures in her room and go through all of them repeatedly and name all of the family members. After a while, she couldn't remember them. She knew they were her family or people she knew, but she didn't know exactly who. My friend was heartbroken to watch this mental decline.

Over the years, I have worked in long-term care. Since moving to Vancouver, I have started to work in acute care. From November 2002 until January 2004, I worked in a long-term care facility(LTC) or extended care (ECU). My colleague and I met many wonderful people, residents, family and staff. It is still hard to watch the decline of the mental capacities. And there are many issues that complicate geriatric life. As we are chaplains, my colleague would allude to the biblical verse about being lead where you do not wish to go. (John 21:18)

When I first began to work with dementia patients, I had a hard time. I would cry for my lady, Lillian, and it was hard for my soft heart to watch. (coincidentally, I had cold hands and had to warn people about
it. They would reply "Cold hands mean a warm heart".) I hated the fact that I cried to see this. But I shared their pain and the burden became mine along with the staff and family members. I said to my own mother one day, "Mom I hope you never loose your mind and have to go into a facility". Of course, it was not the proper time to tell her this as she was trying to do some chores and I remember her harried response, "Dear, I am not old yet. And I don't plan to be for a long time. So stop this talk about nursing homes." (This
may not be exactly what she said, but is the general gist of it.)

It is hard to see your parents get old. It is hard to watch people age and succumb to illnesses. This is part of my work. To walk with them in what they are going through. I cannot take on their pain, but at least they are not alone. I am there with them to share the burden, and to remind them that God is with them too.

Canadian? What's in a name?

So the CBC is dumping it's staple, The National, in favor of American programming. So what else is new? My paper's headline said, CBC should drop Hockey Night in Canada. ?!? What? I don't watch the show, but I know that many of my friends (and dad used to) do, so I think that might cause an uproar. The problem is that we Canadians try to copy our Southern neighbors in too many things. Being "Distinctly Canadian" nowadays .. well what does that mean?




There is a definite characteristic on a national level, but it is still defined differently depending on where you are from in Canada. Maritimers, such as myself, will say it is about community, farming/fishing, and knowing how to hold your liquor. Kitchen parties, knowing pretty much EVERY one you meet, and knowing ALL their business "because that's Jimmy's cousin's sister's husband's mother's something something... ". He's my 4th cousin!" (Ok I exaggerate, but when your friend tells you that she and her brothers are really 5th cousins, doesn't that throw you for a loop?)
But here in the West, there is a lot of multiculturalism. I wonder.. tv shows show Lady Liberty and talk about the 'American Dream'... is there a Canadian dream?

Our politics are a joke, no one aspires to be the Prime minister eh? We are very good at making fun of ourselves.. look at comedy shows on CBC... Air Farce, 22 minutes, Just for Laughs... we rock. But that's about all I see on CBC nowadays as worthwhile. And how really talks about Canadian celebrities.. They've all migrated South. Shatner, Jim Carrey, Michael J. Fox, Dave Foley, you name a Canadian celebrity and chances are.. they live in the States.

So CBC is bumping the National... figures.

When patients go AWOL

Yesterday, when I left the hospital. I saw a man on the sidewalk wearing the standard hospital gown, well 2, one to cover the back and one to cover the front.

He was coming out the the ER and carrying the "Patient Garment" bag. He crossed the street at the crosswalk and I don't know where he went. I have often seen patients, usually men, standing in hospital gowns, with no shoes, bags of stuff, waiting on the other side of the road at the bus stop. I have also seen security outside.. looking for patients, or patrolling to keep the squatters off the benches. The problem is that once a patient leaves the hospital property, we, the medical staff, can't do anything about it. Also, I don't know these men, they may be aggressive, have mental issues, etc.

It is a hard place to be.. we talk about dignity and respect. Freedom of choice.. but are they making the right one.. are they rational enough to do so. What is "good care" of this person at this point?

5 People you meet in Heaven

My book club is doing 5 People you meet in Heaven. I bought this book a long time ago and they recently had it on TV again. So let's talk about this book. It is by the same writer who wrote "Tuesdays with Morrie" also made into a movie. This book is about Eddie, who works at an amusement park and dies in a freak accident. He is a grumpy old man who is mad at a lot of things, and mostly mad because he feels he never accomplished much with his life. He didn't go anywhere, didn't achieve awards, didn't really leave the place he grew up except to go to war. In Heaven, he meets 5 people who explain certain events about his life, and this is supposed to help him understand why some things happened the way they did.

The book is interesting and I underlined different parts (in pencil of course!)

Oh I have to digress for a minute though. You know how you start singing in your head.. well I have been singing a song I learned at camp I think...

Heaven is a wonderful place, filled with His Glory and grace, I want to see my Savior's face. heaven is a wonderful place.

New hats!!

Of course you want to see my new hats!! I wore them both today. I wore the pink one to church as it is definitely what I consider a "church hat", and the other one to the church picnic. I have had the blue one for a month, but bought the pink one 2 weeks sgo. This was the first time I wore the pink one.

Kiss the Blog

I found this site http://www.youmaynowkisstheblog.com/ yesterday. It was attached to my emails from Oprah re: her shows of interest. I never watch Oprah anymore. ( I can't figure out when/where she is on and her shows are getting dumb. ) But this blog... check out the animation sequences... I particularly LOOOVEE "the Proposal" and "Bridesmaid" sequences, and her latest "the dress".

Thank goodness it is Friday!! I think I have been spending too much time there. And next week, I am on call.. so who knows what I will end up with. This morning was definitely an indictation though. I awoke from a dream that I was getting prepped, needles and all, for a transplant. I remember asking the medical team, my medical team that I work with, if this was necessary as I didn't remember any of this. I didn't remember needing one, I didn't even know if I was donating or recieiving a transplant. But in my dream, I was assured by one of the doctors that it was in deed necessary and we have talked about this before. I was still sceptical, but let them prep me. I just wasn't too keen on the needles and that they were trying to put on in my forehead!! Where that idea came from I have NO idea, but man... that was some dream. It did not help that I constantly woken by the rattling of my window in the rainy night, nor did it help that there was male voice fighting at 3am!!

So now it is Friday. I have had an interesting week to say the least. I will write more about that later. And... I have more boxes so that I can start the packing/purging process. I move in 2 months!! And the wedding is even before that!!

Stuck

We have been facing a major situation at work.
Oneof the units has a GI outbreak .. Norwalkish and hence this unit cannot admit new people or discharge, unless the patient is going home. So the surgeries are being cancelled because there is no place to put them. No beds. No beds emptying, no bed to put people into. So these beds block ortho beds, that block medical beds, that block ... someone. Everyone has cancelled surgeries, except for Cardiac!! and the ICU is full so where are we supposed to put these people?! Then we get people "clean" from the bug, only to have someone else with the "bug" and then we can't discharge and the cycle continues. Hmm... Stuck. Like you wouldn't believe.

Is THAT what it is ..?

So the Parks Board in Vancouver has these sculptures all over the place. Most of them are in Stanley Park and the Waterfront area. They are "In your Face" as per the Vancouver Sun article of May 26, 2006. I'll say...
If you didn't see the title, they make NO sense. HOW?? does this beautify our parks? I suppose beauty is in the eye of the beholder...

Look in the mirror, tell me what you see...

So the story continues... the first visit with my patient was awful. For so many reasons. There was nothing I could do for him, say to him, that would help on Thursday. But Friday's visit was better. I sat with him for an hour and half. He is dealing with a lot of stuff, but in the end, it came down to this ... "when you look in the mirror, tell me , what do you see?" He saw a man that was bad and did so many horrible things in his life that he couldn't get past it. He didn't tell me the illegal things he'd done, and I don't want to know. He'd say " I know it here (in his head) that God forgives me for what I have done, but why? Why does God bother with me? ... I know he forgives me, but I can't forgive myself. "

I have a hard time with visits some days, because I am not the type that knows the Bible backwards and forwards. I can't quote things appropriate for the moment, I don't pray with them unless they ask. I do not like people shoving their practices on me, hence I do not do the same to them. But I did say to him... that God loves us like children, because we are his children, we are created by him and he knows us so well.

My patient alluded to the fact that when he picked up his Bible and opened it randomly, it came to Psalm 139:13...

"For you created my inmost being, you knit me together in my mother's womb ... 15 My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. "

and it hurt to read these words because of the way he saw himself, thought about himself. How can God think about him so well, when he couldn't love himself?

In the end, isn't that what really is wrong with humanity? We tend to have a negative self-image, as Christians, because we are taught the emphasis on humility, versus pride. It is hard to have a balance. (Philippians 2: 3 says "do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves.") This is hard to do.

It was a good hour with my patient, and we were wrapping up when I was told my a nurse that there was a minister outside waiting to see him. Remember the day before? He was upset because the minister from his church wouldn't come see him? I will check in on Tuesday to see how that visit went.

The past week was hard, but I think that in the end, God did good work through me that day.

How to feel like a Princess... or... I PUT ON MY DRESS TODAY!!

I put on

my dress today!!!

Of course this is not it... but that is how I felt!! Like a princess!! The woman who fitted me for my dress in January is no longer there, but she had written on the receipt that I get a free veil. Luckily, the current staff are going to honor that and I got to pick out a veil. $200 worth for free!! It is Ivory like my dress and laced with crystals and pearls... I love it. It is not a blusher as I originally thought I wanted, but I am not 20 .... so it is better for me.

I brought my shoes that I intend to wear and the women made me walk around to see whether I wanted it hemmed. I am tall enough that I don't need it, nor do I want a bustle. I think it would look weird. *Sigh* Of course, this is not my Cinderella dress of dreams... nor is there a cathedral length train on the dress or veil. But I love it..

Now I really have to hit the gym.. and work on my flabby arms. I have lost a dress size since my original choosing of this dress and I can try to do more. I was alone when I picked it and I was alone when I saw it again. I did ask them to take a picture for me so I can send it to my mom. I'm so pleased with myself that it is a surprise as normally I am not good at keeping good news to myself!!

On Friday, the "inlaws" are coming and we will all go see OUR house again. I can't wait to move in!! Too many exciting things happening .... how can I focus on work?

Can you say Busy?

Today seemed like a day from hell. I was the only person at work in my department so I had to field calls from 5 places in 30 minutes for referals and one BIG MESS. The mess related to who is Next of Kin and is allowed to make decisions about a patient, living or deceased. Oh ugly ugly stuff. We have it sorted out for now, but I have a feeling there will be more on this end. I hope I didn't say or do anything that I wasn't supposed to... Life is certainly a learning experience and SOMETIMES I don't want it!!!

Some days I hate my job

Today was NOT a good day. Can you say stress? I spent my morning catching up/checking in with various patients of mine all over the hospital. This was done in between rounds and I never got back to my office to sort out necessary paperwork that I need for a meeting tomorrow until 11:30 or so.

I got involved with a case whereby a patient of mine got admitted to ICU unexpectedly and is not expected to make it. I know her friends personally and ended up phoning them at about 4pm to tell them to come to the hospital tonight to say goodbye if they wanted the chance to do this. She is not likely to wake up and not expected to survive very long.

I distracted myself by finally cleaning my messy desk. I had soo much stuff on it, I could remember what color it was!! Papers and books and a huge binder full of the information that I need for tomorrow's meeting for which there are no minutes despite my hunting for them, and I have had numerous people drop out of the meeting after they had RSVped that they would come. I am very thrilled to have gotten the speaker from my church. He is an Internationally known speaker on the topic of dealing with Stress, hence we are getting him as a favor to me. He is intrigued by the group and the work we do so he wanted to do this, despite the fact that we SOO cannot afford him.

The ICU thing was hard. Meeting the family for the first time in these circumstances. I do not like to do this. And the situation sucks. It is interesting though because her friend/family member was saying that they are sad to see this happen, and they have been in this place before because my patient has been in dire straits before. And they rejoice because she will go home to heaven. They will celebrate this woman's life while mourning their loss. It is hard to know what to say/do. It is hard to watch. Some days I hate my job.

Ever have a "blond" moment?

Okay. So I was late for this service I was doing and so I picked up the phone and called a cab company. Then I was put on hold, so I called a different one with my cell phone and when one picked up I hung up the other. Found my shoes, ran out the door and got to the service in time for rehearsal with choir. I reached into my pocket ... and what did I find?

My home phone!!! as well as my cell phone.

I had hung up the home phone, put it in my pocket and left with it!! This is by far the most bizarre thing I have done of the scatterbrain nature!! Enjoy the laugh. I shared with most of my friends present.

New Hat!!

I bought a new hat today. My mother and I were shopping for her dress for my wedding. She did not get one, but I found a new "Spring" hat!! I love it! and can't wait to wear it.

I love hats. Ever since Lady Di wore them, but of course.. the Queen of hats was Audrey Hepburn. Wearing hats is not so in vogue as it used to be. People don't really wear clothes with the flare of the last century. I lament this.

The Horrible MOH mistake aka Wedding Blunder ala moi

So yesterday I was on MSN with my sister for a few minutes before work. Just wanted to tell her that our mother got here safe from the other end of the country and I walked into my wedding nightmare!! I won't bore you with the conversation details, but basically it

Her: your friend has been sending me emails
Me: you don't like it?
Her: no no they're a bit interesting
me: meaning?
Her: well they make it sound as if you are telling her one thing and me another thing, but I don't think that's the case and she keeps asking my permission for stuff--what exactly did you tell her about me?
Me: no that's how she is... what kind of stuff is she asking permission about? wedding stuff or buying stuff?
Her: just about which wedding stuff she can look after ... she mentioned once that she is maid of honor I think
Me: yes she is
Her: well you had told me that I am so you are telling us different things ... I don't care
but you shouldn't tell two ppl the same thing .... you will start telling me the truth and her the truth
Me: uh.. I'm sorry butI don't think I ever told you that you were the matron of honor .. it has always been jenn Her: no you told me
Me: I had asked if you wanted to be in the wedding...
Her: and I said I didn't have to be moh and I didn't but you never told me otherwise
Me: well I'm sorry for that... I thought you understood
Her: no I am only going by your words how can I understand what you don't say


Then I reviewed my emails history and I realized that when she said she didn't have to be a "maid" I assumed she meant "bridesmaid" and she meant "maid of Honor". So.. now I have 2 MOHs. And you can't unask someone.. So while looking for MOB dresses with my mother, I asked the saleswoman if she had heard anything this wacky of all the weddings she's been invovled with. She said no.. that this was a first, but suggested that I keep them as both MOH but one (sister) signs the registry as witness (Sister -because she is family) and the other (Jenn) will do the toast. Now I have to explain this to them. Ugh.

Calling all Blitzers!

What the heck am I talking about? Eh? Well, "Dutch Blitz" is a fabulously fun card game that can be played with 2 or more people. The more people, the more fun I think. There are 4 decks, hence four people are preferable, but we have played in teams, etc. It is great fun. I got my friends hooked one fateful Saturday in June some years ago. It is typically played in Mennonite circles, but now the girls and I play on Satrudays. We haven't played in a while, but I finally had some of the girls over this past Sunday. We had fun. Lilian kicked our butts in this thing, We threaten to ban her, but never do.

I have my wedding invitations!! Time to celebrate with some blitz. The girls were sad to hear that I have to move when I get married as they will have to stop playing and go further to do so. Lilian told me that I 'm allowed to marry whoever, but I can't move out of downtown Vancouver and have to let them come over regularly to play. Some people have bridge or poker, we play Blitz.

Change of Perspective

Yesterday was a busy day but it ended with Ballet. The Messiah. It was a choral/ballet combination. The music of Handel with dance. It was more interesting to see this as a ballet than to just go to a concert of singers. I liked seeing the dancing interpretations of certain well known parts of music.

Searching for Prince Charming... the Cinderella Complex or "Does Happily Ever After" really Exist?

Every one wants to be swept off their feet by love, romance and all that goes with it. Little girls typically dream of their wedding day to that handsome Prince Charming. The Fairytales are obsessed with it. The idea of finding love permeates literature throughout the ages. So what is it about the "Cinderella complex" as I call it, that so fascinates us, ok, me.

Ever since I was a little girl, I have loved the Cinderella story. We had a record (LP) with the illustrated book to accompany it. My mother was constantly nagged to "flip the record" as I was not young enough to do it myself. When she was tired of doing it, or too busy, I would content myself with looking at the pictures and reading the story to myself. Even today, I own 4 or 5 versions of this story on video; from the horrible musical version with Whitney and Brandi, to my favorite of all times, Ever After with Drew Barrymore.

I think it's more than the gorgeous dress or the handsome prince. I think it is an inner desire to be loved in a way that one never thought could be a reality for them. Cinderella is a girl/woman who is a servant, but lives a good life. She is fabulously rewarded for her long unjust years of service, by finding love. Not just any love, but fabulous everything she could possible dream of/want love. To be plucked from the drudgery of one's existence and placed in a life she never thought she could achieve on her own. That is the Cinderella complex, as I define it. To be "rescued" from the boring, dull existence and given a new hope. And Prince C. loves her for who she is. He sees through the peasant attire and sees her for what she is, and what she can be. (Irony is that he meets her at his ball when she is as she could be, but later discovers that she is not as she was presented, but determines that he loves her anyways.)

It seemed like the Cinderella story was a possible reality to achieve on July 29, 1981. My mother woke me up at 7 in the morning and I sat, glued to the TV, to see Lady Diana Spencer wed her prince. As we all know, this did not stay a happy ending. Not for her or for Fergie, although it seems to be working out for Sophie. But I think that is because Sophie was a different kind of woman. While Diana admits she was young and naive about her situation, as well both she and Fergie faced obstacles beyond their control, Sophie was independent in her own right, as she and Edward married when older. So what of the fact that Diana's, I mean when Cinderella's Prince is really a toad? What do we do with this?

As we have seen, the fairytale did not end happily for Diana. But seems that Prince C. did get his happy ending. Sometimes, the fairytale is orchestrated to put the pieces/characters that we think will work. As we have envisioned... but when the story is written wrong, or the characters are not matched properly we see disastrous results. I think it goes back to the expectations that we have for the "happy ending". When it turns out that Prince Charming is a toad, or Princess is a hag, it leads us to question whether "happily ever after" really exists, or do we just "stop reading the story"? (divorce)

There is a such a strong trend in this day and age towards "living together" versus marriage. Friends tell me it is better than marriage. With marriage, you can't throw them out out of the house when you want. But I wonder at the lack of commitment,decline in marriage. As the divorce rates escalate, we see that people are scared to get married for the emotional and financial drain it will have on them. What they don't tell you in the fairytale is what "happily ever after" looks like. It's not all easy street from the altar. It's hard work, compromise, communication... children, stress, laughter, joy, ...

One last comment related to the expectations of "happily ever after". We search for "Mr. or Ms Right" but do we sometimes not see them as such? or do we settle for "Right Now"? Are our expectations about the perfection of the "happily ever after" and Prince/ss Charming too high? What of those who never seem to find the "one" while others seem to be Lucky in love at an earlier stage in life than the rest of their friends? Why do we think we need someone else to complete us?

What is "dating"?

I may not have mentioned this before, but I am getting married this summer. I am stunned! Really. I mean I have had a late start in the dating world and so I'm sure there is lots of things I don't know about relating to the opposite sex. Luckily, I have not had many misfortunes or wierd experiences in this area of my life. But I'm still stunned that I am getting married.

Why? well... I haven't really dated enough people to think I know what a "real" relationship is supposed to look like, (but then who knows really eh?) and groom-to-be (GTB) is the longest I have EVER dated anyone. That and when men find out what I do for a living, it either freaks them out or they don't really get what it is hat I do. Either way, that can be a bit of a barrier to a continued romance.

The ironic thing about "dating" is that it has changed so much over the years that I don't think either party knows what "it" really is. Sometimes, the man and woman have a very different idea about what they expect to get out of the relationship/dating experience. You know, longterm/marriage material, hang out once in a while, sex without commitment, that kind of thing.

I usually could tell after 2 or 3 dates whether I thought it was going to go anywhere. It is hard to date/commit to someone that you know isn't "clicking" with you in some of the important areas. In my case, it was my faith. Considering I am an ordained minister, it was a key part of my worldview and a dealbreaker. There were a 2 guys that I dated that I knew I had no future with due to "mother" issues, or faith. And that is hard. You learn to love them and then you have to break up with them. Argh! With GTB, it was just right. And the fun thing is that he fit my 5 criteria for men. Oh come on ladies, we all have them. We come up with this list when we first start dating....

1. Must be Christian.
2. Taller than me (I am 5'9)
3. Preferably blond.
4. Must have a brain.
(This means a few things: has some level of education and knows how to articulate his thoughts. Can communicate with me on a level worthy of my extensive (11) years of post-secondary education and not make me feel that I have to dumb myself down to his level, or not make me feel like I am inferior.) Must have ambition. (Employed, financially secure, no significant debt as I have none, and plans to move ahead in the world versus settle for whatever.)
5. Not too much baggage.
(Preferably no ex-wife, no children, not a Mama's boy, no significant issues that override his personality such as blaming, whining, or the like.)

Over the years, this list got weaned to 3 items. I was happy to take them if they met three, the first one still being a priority but I did date men who didn't even have any of the criteria.

I got lucky with GTB, as he is 6'6.5, and all of the above. AND he is okay with what I do for a living. I tease him that he will be the "minister's wife/spouse" and ask if he's okay with that, because usually when there is a minister in a family, it is assumed that it is the man. *roll eyes here*

Procrastinate with this ...

If you are in the mood to do something different for a while... try this link.

http://img252.echo.cx/img252/8159/006wo.swf

Maybe dementia IS contagious?

I went to work today without makeup on. Sure I looked fine, but I notice and I felt naked without it. So I came home to put it on and then go to the store to pick up stuff we need at work, only to discover that in my haste, I left my keys at work. So the super had to let me in... how embarassing!!

My secretary said, "what is wrong with you? Why are you so forgetful?" after telling her that I forgot my coat at church yesterday as well.

"What can I say? I'm young and in love?" I replied. "It's spring and love is in the air?? Making me think of other things. I dunno. I guess I was so eager to get to work today...."

*roll eyes here.

We'll see what happens when I go back to work now.

What are you THINKING?!!?

Man. Once again.. it is way too early to be up on a Saturday morning... My one day to sleep in. And I am awake at 6:30. And what do I do? I read my paper, clean up a bit (although you'd wonder if I really did anything!) Thought about cool things to update this .. don't really remember any of them.

I was reading someone else's blog. The guy who writes it was lamenting how much he doubts and why. I would like to pose a possible answer to that question. Why do we as humans on this earth, doubt God and our faith? Some would say that those who doubt are not strong in their faith. I would agree to some degree, but what about those who "never doubt" anything? Is that really possible?

If you look at the Psalms, as per the Old Testament of the Bible, you will see that David "the man after God's own heart" expressed a range of emotion. Doubt being one of them. True, textual criticism will argue that not of all of these records psalms were written by David, but the point is that even those who are "strong" in their faith, will get angry, will question, wonder and yes, even doubt from time to time. People shouldn't feel guilty about doubting their faith or understanding of God, but rather it is what you DO with that doubt that is important. I would like to answer that the question of why we doubt so much with a less than direct answer. Who cares why we doubt? (If you do it a lot, then maybe you should talk to someone about it) but for those who don't infrequently, I would like to pose that maybe it is part of the learning process. We doubt and wonder and question the things that occur in this world, but doesn't that challenge us to grow.

I remember when I was in my last year of my seminary training, and one of my profs said that if you only read books you agree with, how does that challenge you? To read a book that you disagree with can be a challenge from time to time, but that challenge is to inspire you to figure out WHY you disagree with the author's theory or premise. Take the DaVinci code. It is a book that has inspired controversy throughout the world. Why? Because there are crazy people who can't get it through their head that it is a novel. But then there are those who disagree with the ideas presented.. that DaVinci was part of a conspiracy, that the Holy Grail was a woman and that Jesus had sex and gave in to his Human desires to produce a "royal" bloodline .... For some, this is not so weird, but for others it is ludicrous.

The key is for any reader (on any subject not just this book) to figure out what they disagree with and why. If you answer, "because it's wrong" but have no basis other than "because", that may not be a credible argument. If you answer "I was taught otherwise", then this leads to a whole other can of worms. How do you know that what you have been taught is accurate? This is the basis of doubt. To figure out what you really think and why. For some things, you will never get an answer that you like. You will never "see" the answer. That is what faith is. Believing without seeing. We are not all fortunate to be Thomas, the doubting disciple who was granted proof for his queries... but we can see proof in other ways. It is essential that we all understand why we do/think/feel as we do, rather than being led blindly.

Can you articulate your theology? Statement belief? If you can't express it in words other than " I believe what my (church,family, etc) believes. And they believe what I do.." then please try again.

Kat in the Hat Creations...

I am going to have to start charging people for my services. The other day I did a brochure for my techonogically challenged colleague for something that he was doing. I found this picture and put in on the back and wrote that the brochure was "produced by Kat in the Hat Creations". If I ever do decide to do something other than this field, maybe I could freelance with my Kat in the Hat company. Who knows?

Pink Panther

I just saw Pink Panther.. critics pan it. I suppose it was cheesy in parts, but it was good to go a "clean" movie for once. Steve Martin is awesome.

http://www.sonypictures.com/movies/thepinkpanther/site/

Sometimes things don't go as planned...

Yesterday was a good day. I went to breakfast with a friend. Had a good talk as we hadn't seen each other in a while. Then I finally ordered my invitations for my August wedding. Oh my... They were more than I thought they would be because it was an American company. Like $100 more. But it is done. I just have to make one minor change to what I wrote and then we get them.

We also finished our wedding registry. I had to explain to my honey the difference between a comforter and a duvet. We just had to pick a duvet and add pillows and we were done last night. Yippee. Sometimes my super-annoying organizational skills are a good thing. We are so done of the major stuff. I have the church, hall, Dress!!, photographer, flowers, and wedding party all picked. All this within the first four weeks of our engagement. We are getting married in 5 months!! Sometimes I think I am crazy to do this. I mean, I don't think that we really are ready for something as we think we are. Marriage and all it entails. One possible rationale for numerous divorces in this day and age.

But also sometimes when we think we are prepared for something, when it really occurs, we still are amazed at our reaction. This applies to death/grief as well. Grief is experienced as a result of any significant loss you know. Not just death. When we move, or face a significant change. Job loss, family structure change, marriage, births, loss of independence/mobility/identity, all of these things can be grief-related. When I first moved here to Vancouver from Prince Edward Island, I couldn't figure out what was wrong with me. I got majorly depressed. I felt claustrophobic. (I had lived in big cities like Winnipeg, and was used to tall buildings, but here in Vancouver, they are so close together -- I felt like I couldn't breathe.) For the first 4-6 months, I felt like packing up everyday and leaving this place. But what was I going to go home to? I came here to "start" my life after spending 12 years training for this career. It wasn't until much later, that I realized I was having a grief reaction. Ironic, considering grief/dementia/end-of-life issues are kind of my specialty areas. I realized that I had left everything I had ever known to come here -- to a new city where I knew no one, new cultural factors, new city, new job... no wonder I thought I was going crazy.

My initial plan was to only be here for 2 years and then leave. That would be long enough to get ordained (year 1) and get my specialist certification (year 2). Then I was going to move to Ontario. Not that I like Ontario, but it is closer to the East Coast where my family lives (PEI, NS). But it looks like I'm staying here, as I am getting married here. That and the urgency to move back has lessened now when my dad died last April. I always said I would not be a long-distance relative, such as my sister and I grew up with, but that is exactly what I am. My nieces are on the other end of the country .. and I am here. I do travel there a lot though. And everyone of them (my family of 5) will be here for my August wedding.

Sometimes, things don't go as planned. But sometimes, that's a good thing.

Hazards of Living

It is way too early on a Saturday morning... like 6:30 am, and I am awake. This happens.. my one day to sleep in and I am up before the sun is. But find it so hard to drag my butt out of bed on weekdays.. ironic huh?

You know, there are some days when I wonder what I was thinking by going into this field of healthcare chaplaincy. There's politics from too many angles, there's red tape within my department, and then within the units that I work on, that it interferes at times with the job focus. On top of that, I seem to be saying goodbye to a lot of patients lately. I have only been here for 3 and half years, but a lot of the longtimers have died. Especially recently. It is getting hard to deal with some days.

Not only do I work in renal (kidneys) but also Geriatric medicine. I did most of my training in longterm care (Nursing homes), and this is a bit different because at the hospital, some of our patients are acute. They had a fall and we help them mobilize a bit better before we send them home. But often, we end up diagnosising patients with dementia, and then they aren't allowed to go home (as they are a safety risk to self and others) and then we have to place them in a facility. So most of my patients are just waiting to be admitted to a care facility.

Yesterday, I was talking to the wife of a patient with dementia. He wants to go home, (well I can't blame him.), but she had a small stroke earlier this year and she admits she does not have the strength to fight him on what he wants. She feels guilty for not letting him come home. "Jane" feels like the staff don't like her because she is so emotional lately. She says she spends most of her time crying lately. At home, when she prays, at times when she sees her husband. After talking about this for a bit, I told her that it was not going to be easy. The man that I met is not the man that she married. His disposition will/has changed due to the dementia, and it will be hard to visit him in his new place. He will tell her to take him home. He will slowly forget the things that he knows more and more, and soon, he may not know her.

I asked if she had a bible at home, and told her to look at the Psalms, and try an exercise of praying the Psalms. There is every range of emotion in there.. from joy and bliss, to raging anger with God and the psalmist lot in life. She said she would try that. Jane affirmed my interaction with her and my manner with her husband as valued. It was a good way to end my week. If only I could maintain that focus on a regular basis.